Okay Universe, I'm putting it out there.

I am attempting to be uber positive. I am sending out good vibes of what I want to do/have/be into the ether and I believe, without a doubt that it will happen. The funny thing about this whole new perspective is that I'm being very secretive about what exactly it is I'm sending into the universe. Normally, I am too open about my desires but for some reason I'm very protective about this. I suppose I'm testing my faith in a way. I want this to happen to prove me right; to prove that I can do anything I set my mind to without other people cheering me on. It's lonely and isolated but I've relied too much on encouragement from outsiders in the past. Now, it's my responsibility.

Universe, you know what I want, now bring about the situations that will help me get it.

A Moment in History

Up until November 4, 2008 the only moments in my life that I would tell my kids about have all been sad. Princess Diana's death and funeral, 9-11, Iraq...you get my drift. Now, I can say that I have witnessed something spectacular. Barack Obama's acceptance speech in Grant park and the ensuing celebrations in the streets across the world. I am so proud to have been a part of this historic campaign as a donor to Obama and as a voter. My generation stepped up and spoke out against failed policies and Republican greed. I am so proud of my country, of my peers and of my generation who measured a man by his character and not his color. I am so very, very proud. Congratulations President-Elect Obama. Yes we did!

Head Over Heels

I am absolutely in love...with a fictional character (seriously). I hate to admit it but this is not the first time I've fallen for someone who only exists in print. It's interesting to me to look at the dynamic of how someone can get attached to a person who doesn't exist. So, here's my psychoanalytic interpretation of this phenomenon. Firstly, a fictional character is written to make you fall in love. They are usually in a plot line that has very high stakes. The high stakes keep things much more interesting than they would be in the typical daily life. Secondly, they do and say everything you wish someone in real life would do and say. They make the sweeping gestures of eternal devotion, they write love letters that would make Shakespeare green with envy, they fight for the heroine, etc, etc, etc. Lastly (and perhaps, most importantly) they don't exist. If I were actually presented with a Mr. Darcy or an Edward Cullen tomorrow, I would probably run as fast as I could away from them. I'm not ready for that kind of reality. I settle for relationships that I know won't go anywhere. It's easier at this point in my life to have a sudden burst of passion and heartache then to settle in for the long haul. For the moment, I'm content to keep this relationship strictly in my head and not actually in my hands.

The Big Bang

On the evening news tonight, they did a story about a group of scientists who are recreating the big bang underneath Switzerland. Part of me is really excited about this experiment and the other part of me is a little weary of it. First of all, there's the prospect of better understanding photons, neurons, dark matter and all the mysteries of the universe that kept me interested in college astronomy. Second of all, the way they're causing the reaction is pretty cool too. They're using giant magnets under the Earth's surface that they will send a shock wave of energy through that will cause a reaction that they can (hopefully) measure in tiny particle reactions. Cool, yase?

The flip side to this is, the big bang was a catastrophic event that, in theory, happened to have a fruitful side effect. So, what if this experiment is just catastrophic? I mean, Einstein didn't want the atom bomb but his discovery enabled it's creation. Plus, the Christian Right is accusing them of "playing God" as per usual, which usually means something that could change the face of how we view the world is about to happen. I have a feeling this may be important in the future. Just a hunch.

Hanky Panky

I am so glad that I work in the behind-the-scenes end of the store. I don't think I would get away with the way I say the brand-names of the products we sell if I were on the floor. I mean, seriously, people who decide to create a lingerie brand either think of a name that sounds vaguely french (of course only France could be responsible for beautiful and high-quality lingerie, duh) or that sounds like a weird sexual position (i.e. Hanky Panky). I find myself constantly stifling my strong desires to mock the pretentious products I have to sell to the person on the other end of the phone. It's also fun times talking to our male customers about converting their waist-size into a female size so they can buy thongs for themselves. Oh yeahhhh.

PS- Um...Nickelodeon is releasing a movie with Chris Malone and Amy Sedaris. Anyone else jumping for joy?

In my next life...

I'm going to train to be an olympic swimmer.

And it's been a while...

At least my last post was also in a month that begins with A.

Well, I quit my soul-destroying job, went to NTC in Denver for a month, moved to Charleston and got a job selling over priced thongs.

It's kind of sad that the last three (almost four) months can be summed up that quickly. I am a thousand times happier than I was. I really didn't realize the depth of my misery until I crawled out of the cave, realized that my gut wasn't just overreacting and I wasn't just being a weakling who can't hang outside of the collegiate womb (thanks Kel for the O article).

NTC really changed my perspective on a lot of things. It was a godsend that I happened to go this particular year. I can't describe the experience to anyone who wasn't there. I guess it's like holding your breath until you almost pass out and then taking that big gasp of air and feeling your lungs filling with cool oxygen. Euphoria. Absolute Euphoria.

Random Babble

I miss someone whom I haven't missed in this particular way in a long time. No matter what, I always come back to him. We've known each other for three years and I've pretty much loved him since day one. He's one of my closest friends and I love him more deeply than most people in my life. He's the center. He's the starting point that you always return to after navigating the circumference. He's home. This should probably tell me something.

I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. I have one of the best support systems a person could hope for.

I'm literally tired of thinking about what I should do with my life. I just want to be happy and I have a feeling that I know where I would be happy. I've planned on going back there since college, I just don't want to return too soon. Does that make any sense?

I'm extremely proud of two of my closest friends, Katie and Kelly. They are such extraordinary women. Katie, super talented and just an all around wonderful human being, not-to-mention one of the funniest people I know. Kelly, her tenacity, drive and intellect make me strive to be like her someday. Aside from her mind, you can always count on her heart to embrace you when you're in need. I am so lucky to know them.

I think I subconsciously put myself in shitty situations. "You are positively charming..." I have a problem. I need to be able to shut off my flirtatious tendencies but if there's anything to challenge me I cannot...cannot let it go. I am an idiot.

I hate my current job. I love the people I work with but the actual job is just awful. I'm an accountant and I hate math. I was hired to assist the director of the arts facility and they hired someone else to do what I was hired to do. Seriously? This is just insane. They're wasting money and my time. I know this will help me in the future but right now it's a necessary evil (emphasis on evil). Arg.

I need a vacation. The last few weekends I spent in Charleston have spoiled me. It's like starving for a week and then someone handing you a plate filled with all of your favorite foods just to take it away and make you starve again. I'm hungry.

I'm on the way. I know I'm getting somewhere. I'm positive about this.

Pet Peeves

There are few things in this world I dislike more than catty women (or should I say girls?). I understand the need to protect things that are dear to you but to be silly and immature is not the way to go about it. Insecurity, although difficult to overcome, is not an excuse. I have had more ridiculous girls do whatever they can to shake me from my solid ground in the past few months than ever before. I have not experienced this kind of behavior since the 6th grade. Did you get that? SIXTH GRADE! I won't apologize for being secure, knowing who I am and liking it. If you find that threatening, it's your problem and only your problem.

Why do women do this to each other? At least men are more to the point about it and just say what's bothering them. Women, however, find it necessary to try and underhandedly cut down the threat, thus, making themselves look like the idiot. For the love of Pete, just be secure in what you have and shake off the rest. There's no need for obnoxious (yet, sometimes entertaining) behavior. Let. It. Go.

Possibilities.

The world has stretched out before me beckoning me to choose where I want to go. I have nothing tying me to anything after October. I'm debating between three cities: London, Brooklyn and Charleston. Each one has pros and cons of course but I'm almost certain that one of them will fall into place when I need it to. I can't stay at my job after August or I will absolutely shrivel into a pile of discontent. I love Greenville but I am tired of meeting people who know all of the people I already know. Right now it is just a question of what I want to do with my life. My mom suggested that I don't try and figure that out while I'm here. She told me to move to a city that I really love and then try to figure it out there. That way, if it doesn't work out, I will still be in a good place.

I didn't get into grad school but I missed it by a narrow margin. I'm closer to getting in than I've ever been but I'm not sure if it's what I want anymore. I've chased this dream for so long but now it's fading into the background as I enjoy finding out what else I'm interested in. I have a lot of very different ambitions I'm exploring. I'm just working it out as I go and not really dealing with the rest. It hurt not getting into grad school but dreams change and maybe it's time mine did.

Relationships continue to confuse me and this small world in which we live continues to shrink. There have been several full circle events in the last few weeks and all of them have yielded positive results. It really is funny just how interconnected we all are. Everything happens for a reason and I'm interested in discovering the reasons in the upcoming weeks or months.

I have a clean slate, now I just have to figure out what to write on it.

The EX Beeper

I have a theory that men are all issued a beeper at birth that alerts them when their ex girlfriends (or be it the case, boyfriends) meet someone else or are finally stable in their lives. I met a fell-off-the-boat thick accented German automotive engineer (guess which car company he works for) the other night at one of my favorite hangout spots. He's very nice, athletic, successful, intelligent, etc, etc. I'm not really interested in dating anyone at the moment, but he could be a nice distraction. Anywhoo, I get to my office Monday and lo-and-behold I have a myspace message from the ex's roommate, Ken. I am almost positive Ken had a huge hand in our breakup and I'm not sure why he feels it necessary to contact me. I don't even speak to the ex anymore (see previous posts). All I can conclude is someone's beeper went off.

More than anything, I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed that the cat comes back without fail. I ran into one of the ex's friends, David, Saturday afternoon as well. He asked what happened and I was sure he would have at least heard something. David said to me that I was out of my ex's league and if he saw/sees me he'll regret it instantly. David saw him over Christmas and said that he looks like the weight of the world is bearing down on him. I should feel vindicated by this but I feel saddened instead.

How can I have a balance? Can I have this kid in my life or is it impossible? I don't want to be dragged down by him every time I get a leg up. I want to disable his beeper. I really want to make Ken feel about two inches tall and close off that connection, but how?

Everything else in my life is starting to balance. I'm not doing any plays anytime soon but I know that I will eventually. I haven't heard from grad schools so I'm in the limbo period but I'm holding up well. Things are looking up whether they like it or not. I'm okay and right now, that's not a bad place to be. I just want to euthanize the cat.

Walls.

"Don't trust in walls, cause walls will only crush you when they fall."-Ray LaMontagne

I wish my desk at work had walls around it. Not only due to the appeal of being able to read a book instead of pretending to be engrossed in "real" work (like I'm doing at this very moment) but because I would get so much more done. Whenever I actually have work to do, I am constantly interrupted. Some student needs help with the copier, some professor wants to chat, the phone constantly rings, etc.. Also, my pens/highlighters/post-its would not disappear as quickly if they weren't out in the open ready for the taking. I could also actually put up photos, paintings, anything really to make my office feel less like a foreign place and more like my place. I want to carve out my niche at work. I wouldn't mind sharing a cubicle with someone but this totally open layout is very exposing.

I am trying to be as positive as possible about work. I am learning a great deal about the accounting end of the arts, which will come in very handy if I own my own theatre in the future. I work with great people. I have a job that pays decently well in an economy that is showing signs of insecurity. I have a new car because of said job. I have benefits. I get to see a lot of free theatre and music. I have this experience on my resume so when I do move on I will have a better chance at finding a better job.

I feel as if I'm floating through life right now. Not really headed in a direction but not at a full stop either. I auditioned for a show last night and I haven't received a callback. I have another on Saturday but that's a much more difficult show to get into. I haven't been on stage in over a year. It's killing me. I know I'll be back on it soon but the time getting there is torture. Granted, I wanted this break. I wanted to see if I missed it. Well, I do. A lot.

I need a sporatic trip to somewhere. When can I make that happen? Hmmm...

I can't do anything right.

I can't even contract the flu from a school that has made national headlines due to the percentage of infecties. I contract a "virus with flu-like symptoms." Essentially, I have the flu but I don't have the leverage to take the time I need to really recover. Not to mention, I ain't got the sick leave built up in order to recover.

I miss my life. I know this has become a reoccuring theme in my blog but I really miss that thing called life. I had some friends from college in town for this theatre festival we hosted and it was so good to see them. I had this girl, Liz, whom I've never met approach me and tell me that I am a legend at the college. Apparently, people talk about how cool I am, etc. I felt like a big dissappointment. I'm not doing what I want to do. I have no social life. I'm not acting. I punch numbers. At the same time, I briefly felt like the person I once was; The mother hen, the mentor, the one who works her ass off. I was a damn awesome person in college and I know that I still have her within me. I just hope my growing up doesn't suffocate her.

I feel like doo doo.

Upedy Datey.

Well, where to begin? I left for NYC the 25th and auditioned for three schools. I was only slated to audition for two but it turned out the man who got me into theatre was auditioning for his program at UH. It made the trip to see the look on his face when he saw me (after 7 years) standing outside of the audition room. My auditions with him and NTC went very, very well. My audition with UW, not so much. This was my third attempt at UW's MFA program and I let it get to me. I thought it was the school I wanted to go to the most but after realizing just how pompous and, well, asshole-y the auditors were I lost my ambition to get into that program. I just wrote them the coldest thank you note I've ever written with my life.

Aside from the auditions, I had an absolute, much needed ball with old friends. I saw people I haven't seen in years and reconnected with old college friends. I also went on a date. The first real, honest-to-God date I've ever been on. I've been on "dates" but they're usually for a drink or coffee with someone whom I've known for some time. I've never been on a date with someone I've just met. I've been asked but I've declined. I met him in a bar, figures. He is a friend of my wife's (long story). He is articulate, funny, kind, intelligent and he looks like Barack Obama at 25. Ha! He took me out to a fancy lunch right after I sobbed my eyes out in my audition for UH (side-bar, the audition didn't make me cry, it was the piece I was doing). Poor kid.

I was so close to quitting my job and moving to Brooklyn to be with my friends again. I hate Manhattan but I could be happy as a clam in Brooklyn. I had a life for a week and it was wonderful.

Turns Out...

He's dating someone else.

Problem solved.

Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game

They're both equally shitty in my personal opinion. I play the game. I play the game very well. I hate the game and logically, I guess, I hate myself...? There is one thing that I hate more than the game; People who don't realize you are playing the game with them. I suppose this comes down to a lack of confidence or sheer panic shortly followed by denial.

Perhaps I'm too stealthy. Granted, I've been known to give my targets far more credit than deserved, but when I am being blatant I would hope they'd be aware enough to at least have an inkling.

There are moments in the game that are euphoric. My friend Kiera refers to this as the "Christmas Eve" of the pending or doomed relationship. Referring to that unbelievable feeling you had as a kid of agonizing anticipation for the arrival of Christmas morning and the ensuing slaughter of wrapping paper. I feel like I'm in the sequel to "Ground Hog's Day" aptly titled, "Christmas Eve."

This is the most frustrating process of all time. More so because every time I'm ready to throw in the towel (sports pun intended) there are those cinematic moments in a cozy coffee shop. Camera pans to a wide angle and we see crowded coffee tables highlighted in warm yellow lights. Close up of male lead staring in the distance with a look of longing. Cut to female lead sipping coffee with a friend. She turns her head and shyly catches his gaze a la Hepburn. Cut to male lead who quickly drops his gaze and continues typing on his laptop. Scene.

Yeah, I caught him through the crowd staring at me with that oh so familiar look on his face. And it plunged me back into the chess match. I bought him a coffee to go and wrote a very simple line across the top of the lid. He accepted it warmly. I said goodnight and went home.

I'm half debating writing him a note on wide-rule notebook paper with the classic "Check the Box. Yes___ No___ Maybe___" at the bottom. It may be more simple if we could all go back to the sixth grade in terms of relationships. I suppose in those terms, he and I are "talking" but then again that may be an over statement. I think right now, he's merely discovering his existence in this scenario, if even that. I'm waiting for the opportunity to present it's self so I can make a bold move. I have a feeling I'll be waiting for quite some time.

Mindless Chatter

I wish I could blame my current mood swings on "that time of the month" but that would be a huge lie and complete insult to my sex. I had my first audition for graduate school last Sunday, which went amazingly well. However, my focus is decidedly elsewhere. I'm leaving for NYC on Friday and I'm in total denial. I need the break but it's stressing me out more than it's worth.

Every time I feel like I'm finally grasping my job, I get a swift kick to the ego. I wasn't qualified for this. Period. This entire job is accounting. I am horrible, repeat, horrible with numbers. My brain just can't wrap around them. If something doesn't add up, I get frustrated. Also, these vouchers are a mess. I've never been trained (really) on how to properly do them. With all due respect, even the training is highly lacking. They don't go over how detailed they need to be or how to compensate for a limited amount of writing space. I hate this. It makes me feel inadequate and stupid. Two things that I know I am not. If I can grasp 19th century philosophy, I should be able to grasp peoplesoft. Arg.

I skipped Pilates last night for no real reason other than laziness. Perhaps that is why I'm feeling out of sync today. I need a really fun, relaxed weekend with my friends. I think that would be the cure for the common life. Maybe we should go to Disney World in April or something. Any takers?

Oh but to resemble her...

What Goes Up, Must Come Down...Shit.

It has just been a shitty couple of days. I feel inadequate at my current job (and I just got myself on wefeelfine.org), there's rumor that the ex is moving back, and the musician...well...fuck. I have grad school auditions starting this Sunday and I am losing faith in myself. I don't want to show my pieces to coaches because I'm almost ashamed of them. Maybe all I'm good for is teaching, not acting. This is just so hard. I had this great confidence somewhere recently and now I can't seem to find it. I love theatre but I don't love bad theatre. It just seems impossible to actually be a part of good theatre. I have the heart but I'm not sure I have the talent. Have I been deluding myself for so long? Am I one of those actors who really can't act but has no idea? Frankly, I don't know.

I have tears constantly threatening to sneak past my hard swallowing and I'm at work. I just want to hide in the bathroom and sob my eyes out but I can't. I'm at work. This day is going to be a long one.

Nonfiction.

Recently, I've become a fan of non-fiction essays. Usually, these essays are of a witty nature and are often written with a sardonic flavor. Why is this important, you ask. Well, over the past few months I've begun adopting habits I once associated with adulthood. I keep getting metaphysically slapped in the face with the realization I now do those stuffy, boring, lame things I said I'd never do. I'm in bed by 9:30, 11:00 on a wild night. I prefer listening to NPR over the local top forty stations (well, that's not really new, but you get my point). I dream about my "wasted youth" and yearn for a "simpler time."

"Shit," I say, "horseshit!"

I'm not ready for adulthood. I keep messing up little things and my type A perfectionism is not coping too well. Plus, I was always the most productive and ingenious at around 2 a.m.. I sleep through that time now so I feel my creativity slipping away into the REM cycle. This "grown-up" lifestyle is draining the life from me. Is this really what life is? Sitting behind a desk to earn money to pay off all of the shit that is required for the "American Dream"? I don't need it. I need the ability to be creative.

I'm half tempted to put my tent and my sleeping bag in the back of my car and wonder through this country taking a photo-journalistic approach to my travels. I need to do something that requires me to think about something much less concrete than accounting. I need wiggle room to formulate my own ideas about whatever subject may arise in conversation. I miss the wiggle room of my collegiate youth.

I am an old hag.

Bah.

There Are Just Some Things I know I Should Avoid

I have a friend who continually allows men to determine how she feels about herself...and when they treat her like shit and go back to their girlfriends she bitches about it on her blog. I finally decided to just give it to her straight and not blame the guy and sympathise with her as I usually do. So, she's upset with me. Frankly, I don't give a damn. If you are too blind to see it's your actions and lack of self-esteem that keeps you in the vicious cycle, then I no longer have sympathy. I was a victim of the cycle as well, thus I understand what it's like to be played with. However, now I can recognize that it's happening and end it before I get too involved.

That said, here's my dilemma. Within the past few weeks, I have met two men. One of whom I'm smitten with and one that I should be smitten with but am not. I told the universe that I didn't want to date while I was back here and I never want to date a musician again and what does it do? It sends me a local musician to fuck with my head a week later. He's just wonderful but he has major social anxiety which had proven to make this a slow, slow process. Whenever we run into each other, though, sparks fly.

Now for guy numero dos. He is one of the funniest and most intelligent men I've ever met. I love hanging out with him and talking to him but I simply am not attracted to him. How can this be? Granted, I probably wouldn't have been so enthusiastic about him at our first meeting if I hadn't had this leech attached to me over New Years (that's a whole other story that will make me nauseous if I think about it hard enough to write about it).

The two collided on Tuesday when several of us attended the musician's show at a place where I used to work. Admittedly, I spent most of the evening comparing the two of them. The musician won. There's just something about him. There was an instant connection when he first sat down with me and a mutual friend in a coffee shop. I haven't felt that kind of chemistry in a very long time. I know that he is interested in me by the way he has behaved towards me during and since our first meeting. The problem is I am a bold move person and he is clearly more subtle in his efforts.

I still don't know if I want to date anyone at the moment but I can't help but notice the addition of these two men to my life. I'm just really annoyed and confused by the whole situation.

I hate blogs like this.

Oh Hump Day.

John Edwards is on campus today no doubt realizing that he should have started campaigning in his home state a long time ago. The crowd was smallish and relatively lacking in supportive signage. I laughed as I drove by to see three measly John Edwards lawn signs on the side of the road that conspicuously were not there yesterday.

It's the first day of classes for the spring semester. It boggles my mind how different the energy is when the students are here and when they're gone. It's almost depressing when the campus is empty. You can feel that carefree hope and optimism that surrounds the student masses when class is in session. It reminds me of the song from Avenue Q "I wish I Could Go Back to College." It's this false sense of meaning and purpose that higher education thrusts upon you from the moment you step on campus. Rhetoric such as, "this is the dawn of your future" or "welcome to the threshold of becoming who you will ultimately be." Never ever do they say things like, "enjoy it now cause it's going to suck balls later" or "sure, go for your dream but health insurance, rent, bills and reality will do their damnedest to make it impossible to achieve."

It's contageous being around people who aren't as jaded by the "real world" as myself and my peers. Responsibility is a crock started by the protestants and their work ethic. Stupid "City Upon a Hill." I've turned into one of those people who always says, "enjoy it while you can cause life sucks," to the seniors itching to graduate. I hated those people when I was an undergrad. Shit.

It's amazing how fast things can be put into perspective.

One of my great friends informed me that her roommate (whom I've enjoyed being around on occasion) was in a very bad car accident shortly after New Years. She was on the passenger side of the above car that slammed into a parked truck at 75 mph.. Her name's Angela and she's in very critical condition. They know that she will pull through but she can't even think about walking again for the next six months at least. She was a professional dancer for the Knoxville hockey team and worked with people with learning disabilities. Keep her in your thoughts/prayers.

God and Politics

Before you get all bent out of shape at the mere assumption this blog is about to delve into that sticky realm of religion vs. politics, let me assure you that you have every right to be bent out of shape. Last night, I watched as Barack Obama sailed into victory in the Iowa caucus along with the "born-again" conservative preacher, Mike Huckabee. I in no way intend to be unbiased throughout this diatribe. I am a Barak supporter and I have been since before he announced his candidacy. I was reminded why while I listened to an episode of my favorite radio broadcast, "This American Life." The episode is entitled "Godless America." Even Ira can't cover his dislike of the Christian Fundamentalists he interviews.

The Christian Right scares the shit out of me to be blunt. The more I listen to their views on what America should become, the more shear anger bubbles up inside of me. It angers me to hear these narrow-minded men dictate how I should lead my life. I am a moral person who believes in a benevolent "God," which is where the disagreement begins. The Christian Right wants to overturn Roe V. Wade, outlaw birth control pills (not condoms, oh no, just birth control pills), legally punish a woman who becomes pregnant out of wedlock and deny homosexuals the same rights guaranteed to all other Americans. Does that seem heavily weighted against women to anyone else or is it just me?

First of all, it repulses me that the C.R. demands more morality on the part of women than on men. Why is it they believe a woman, and only the woman, should be punished for a pregnancy out of wedlock? Hellllllooooo? Basic biology. Unless we are all the Virgin Mary, I am pretty sure an egg has to be fertilized by something, I don't know, sperm in order to grow into a baby. Second of all, outlawing oral contraceptives is just fucking brilliant. W00t you morons! Thirdly, I am pro-life (um...who isn't really pro-life unless their suicidal?), BUT I do not believe in also killing women who are in a desperate situation by taking away their right to a clean, medically supervised abortion. I will not enforce my beliefs on someone else who's situation I can sympathise with but will (hopefully) never understand. Plus, if they take away oral contraceptives, does anyone else think the rate of abortions will escalate, or is that just me? To quote Mommy Dearest, "NO WIRE HANGARS EVER!!!"

Then there's this issue of homosexuality. True homosexuality is inherent from birth. Period. I do not believe that a loving God would punish someone for living the way that he/she made them. Plus, why is it most artists who create beautiful theatre/paintings/sculpture/film/etc are gay? God is responsible for beauty. God gives those who face prejudice the ability to make the most beauty. I find that interesting; to give someone you hate and will burn in the depths of hell the ability to beautify what you created before you torture them...

The C.R. also argues that events such as 9/11 and the war in Iraq are examples of God punishing us for leaving him/her out of the Constitution and advancing the "homosexual agenda." I am more inclined to believe that catastrophic events like these are the absence of God not the result of God. To say God willingly hurts his/her creations is humanizing him/her. What really gets my goat about the Iraq War argument is the C.R. claims we are helping the "infidels" in Iraq find God. Um...isn't that Al Qaeda's same argument for their extreme tactics? Potato, potahto. Evangelicals, terrorists.

Morality is defined by what we choose to include and exclude from our lives. We are all made of the same parts. We are all of one image. Why not love everyone and show tolerance? Why not live in the image of Christ who befriended those whom others rejected? Isn't that what Christianity is or is "Christianity" being used as the clothing on the wolf?

Basically, stay the fuck out of my uterus.

PS- BARACK THE VOTE!

Personal Quirks

I despise my obsessive personality sometimes. I get something into my head, then I want it, then I need it and finally I have the hardest time letting it go. Bah.

New Year, New Catharsis.

I've started 2008 with a series of cleansing events. I tend to carry things for long periods of time. Emotionally, I'd call myself fairly stable with a few triggers that send me into a brief tailspin from time to time. New Years Eve I had coffee with a woman I was, well, dumped for about three years ago. There are many things I regret about that whole situation but the major regret was that a budding friendship with a wonderful person was replaced by anger and hatred for her. When I finally got some distance and looked objectively at the situation, I realized that although I had been severely hurt, it really had nothing to do with me. I was the bi stander.

We talked about everything that happened and I felt the weight progressively exit my body as each topic arose. I can happily say we are back to the place we previously were before an unfortunate situation put a hold on things.

Shortly after ten p.m. on New Years day, I felt an all too familiar emotion welling up inside of me as I dried off from my shower. Before I could stifle it, tears rushed to my eyes and slipped down my cheeks at a marathon pace. I somehow knew then an end to a possibility was not too far behind. I sat on the bathroom rug and prayed for God to give me what I need and to forgo giving me what I want. [Interjection: I in no way pretend to have God, religion, the universe, etc. figured out but I know there is a power to earnest prayer]

At around four p.m. the next day, God answered my silent prayer. My ex, Matt, called to tell me what I already knew: He would not be able to meet me for a drink before he returned to Colorado. I don't know if he simply couldn't face me or he really just ran out of time but I do know not seeing him was for the best. We chatted about my new job and the changes in my life for a little bit, all the while, trying to hide the fact the conversation was tinged with the discomfort and feelings of pain/guilt/anger/love/frustration/etc.. Then, without much effort, I said everything I have wanted to say to him for the past four months. I told him what he did to me. I told him I care about him and I hope every single dream he has is fulfilled. I then ended our relationship completely. I told him I couldn't have him in my life in any way until I have sufficiently taken care of myself. He was silent and tense for the most part. Interjecting with small mumblings of agreement or disagreement. I don't think he imagined I would end it. He sounded hurt and, more interestingly, ashamed. He apologized for how he ended things and told me it was his biggest regret.

I ended the conversation with a concept I value above a great deal of things: Hope. I told him to kick ass and take names in Colorado and if he ever needed me, he could call. I doubt he ever will. I don't know if we'll cross paths again but I know we're both going to be okay. I hope a friendship is in the distance but frankly, it's very distant.

God gave me what I needed. There is still a great deal of pain associated with Matt and Colorado but now I feel as if I've regained mobility. I've taken the first step to something better for me in the long run. It may be the first of many, but at least I'm moving.

One for the Books.

I am so glad 2007 is done, gone and buried in a cemetary with tacky, faded, plastic flower arrangements. Here's the metaphor I've come up with: 2007 was like that friend you had in high school that would make snide comments about you because they "care enough to actually say something" while merely boosting their own fragile ego. Then, finally, you get away from them and realize they taught you so much that helped keep you from being in future unhealthy relationships. You're glad it happened but relieved it's over.

I am an adult.

For a few months I felt as if all of my dreams and aspirations became impossibilities. Now I see they're still reachable I'm just going to have to stand on my tip toes to reach them. Time to take up ballet.