New Year, New Catharsis.

I've started 2008 with a series of cleansing events. I tend to carry things for long periods of time. Emotionally, I'd call myself fairly stable with a few triggers that send me into a brief tailspin from time to time. New Years Eve I had coffee with a woman I was, well, dumped for about three years ago. There are many things I regret about that whole situation but the major regret was that a budding friendship with a wonderful person was replaced by anger and hatred for her. When I finally got some distance and looked objectively at the situation, I realized that although I had been severely hurt, it really had nothing to do with me. I was the bi stander.

We talked about everything that happened and I felt the weight progressively exit my body as each topic arose. I can happily say we are back to the place we previously were before an unfortunate situation put a hold on things.

Shortly after ten p.m. on New Years day, I felt an all too familiar emotion welling up inside of me as I dried off from my shower. Before I could stifle it, tears rushed to my eyes and slipped down my cheeks at a marathon pace. I somehow knew then an end to a possibility was not too far behind. I sat on the bathroom rug and prayed for God to give me what I need and to forgo giving me what I want. [Interjection: I in no way pretend to have God, religion, the universe, etc. figured out but I know there is a power to earnest prayer]

At around four p.m. the next day, God answered my silent prayer. My ex, Matt, called to tell me what I already knew: He would not be able to meet me for a drink before he returned to Colorado. I don't know if he simply couldn't face me or he really just ran out of time but I do know not seeing him was for the best. We chatted about my new job and the changes in my life for a little bit, all the while, trying to hide the fact the conversation was tinged with the discomfort and feelings of pain/guilt/anger/love/frustration/etc.. Then, without much effort, I said everything I have wanted to say to him for the past four months. I told him what he did to me. I told him I care about him and I hope every single dream he has is fulfilled. I then ended our relationship completely. I told him I couldn't have him in my life in any way until I have sufficiently taken care of myself. He was silent and tense for the most part. Interjecting with small mumblings of agreement or disagreement. I don't think he imagined I would end it. He sounded hurt and, more interestingly, ashamed. He apologized for how he ended things and told me it was his biggest regret.

I ended the conversation with a concept I value above a great deal of things: Hope. I told him to kick ass and take names in Colorado and if he ever needed me, he could call. I doubt he ever will. I don't know if we'll cross paths again but I know we're both going to be okay. I hope a friendship is in the distance but frankly, it's very distant.

God gave me what I needed. There is still a great deal of pain associated with Matt and Colorado but now I feel as if I've regained mobility. I've taken the first step to something better for me in the long run. It may be the first of many, but at least I'm moving.