Turns Out...

He's dating someone else.

Problem solved.

Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game

They're both equally shitty in my personal opinion. I play the game. I play the game very well. I hate the game and logically, I guess, I hate myself...? There is one thing that I hate more than the game; People who don't realize you are playing the game with them. I suppose this comes down to a lack of confidence or sheer panic shortly followed by denial.

Perhaps I'm too stealthy. Granted, I've been known to give my targets far more credit than deserved, but when I am being blatant I would hope they'd be aware enough to at least have an inkling.

There are moments in the game that are euphoric. My friend Kiera refers to this as the "Christmas Eve" of the pending or doomed relationship. Referring to that unbelievable feeling you had as a kid of agonizing anticipation for the arrival of Christmas morning and the ensuing slaughter of wrapping paper. I feel like I'm in the sequel to "Ground Hog's Day" aptly titled, "Christmas Eve."

This is the most frustrating process of all time. More so because every time I'm ready to throw in the towel (sports pun intended) there are those cinematic moments in a cozy coffee shop. Camera pans to a wide angle and we see crowded coffee tables highlighted in warm yellow lights. Close up of male lead staring in the distance with a look of longing. Cut to female lead sipping coffee with a friend. She turns her head and shyly catches his gaze a la Hepburn. Cut to male lead who quickly drops his gaze and continues typing on his laptop. Scene.

Yeah, I caught him through the crowd staring at me with that oh so familiar look on his face. And it plunged me back into the chess match. I bought him a coffee to go and wrote a very simple line across the top of the lid. He accepted it warmly. I said goodnight and went home.

I'm half debating writing him a note on wide-rule notebook paper with the classic "Check the Box. Yes___ No___ Maybe___" at the bottom. It may be more simple if we could all go back to the sixth grade in terms of relationships. I suppose in those terms, he and I are "talking" but then again that may be an over statement. I think right now, he's merely discovering his existence in this scenario, if even that. I'm waiting for the opportunity to present it's self so I can make a bold move. I have a feeling I'll be waiting for quite some time.

Mindless Chatter

I wish I could blame my current mood swings on "that time of the month" but that would be a huge lie and complete insult to my sex. I had my first audition for graduate school last Sunday, which went amazingly well. However, my focus is decidedly elsewhere. I'm leaving for NYC on Friday and I'm in total denial. I need the break but it's stressing me out more than it's worth.

Every time I feel like I'm finally grasping my job, I get a swift kick to the ego. I wasn't qualified for this. Period. This entire job is accounting. I am horrible, repeat, horrible with numbers. My brain just can't wrap around them. If something doesn't add up, I get frustrated. Also, these vouchers are a mess. I've never been trained (really) on how to properly do them. With all due respect, even the training is highly lacking. They don't go over how detailed they need to be or how to compensate for a limited amount of writing space. I hate this. It makes me feel inadequate and stupid. Two things that I know I am not. If I can grasp 19th century philosophy, I should be able to grasp peoplesoft. Arg.

I skipped Pilates last night for no real reason other than laziness. Perhaps that is why I'm feeling out of sync today. I need a really fun, relaxed weekend with my friends. I think that would be the cure for the common life. Maybe we should go to Disney World in April or something. Any takers?

Oh but to resemble her...

What Goes Up, Must Come Down...Shit.

It has just been a shitty couple of days. I feel inadequate at my current job (and I just got myself on wefeelfine.org), there's rumor that the ex is moving back, and the musician...well...fuck. I have grad school auditions starting this Sunday and I am losing faith in myself. I don't want to show my pieces to coaches because I'm almost ashamed of them. Maybe all I'm good for is teaching, not acting. This is just so hard. I had this great confidence somewhere recently and now I can't seem to find it. I love theatre but I don't love bad theatre. It just seems impossible to actually be a part of good theatre. I have the heart but I'm not sure I have the talent. Have I been deluding myself for so long? Am I one of those actors who really can't act but has no idea? Frankly, I don't know.

I have tears constantly threatening to sneak past my hard swallowing and I'm at work. I just want to hide in the bathroom and sob my eyes out but I can't. I'm at work. This day is going to be a long one.

Nonfiction.

Recently, I've become a fan of non-fiction essays. Usually, these essays are of a witty nature and are often written with a sardonic flavor. Why is this important, you ask. Well, over the past few months I've begun adopting habits I once associated with adulthood. I keep getting metaphysically slapped in the face with the realization I now do those stuffy, boring, lame things I said I'd never do. I'm in bed by 9:30, 11:00 on a wild night. I prefer listening to NPR over the local top forty stations (well, that's not really new, but you get my point). I dream about my "wasted youth" and yearn for a "simpler time."

"Shit," I say, "horseshit!"

I'm not ready for adulthood. I keep messing up little things and my type A perfectionism is not coping too well. Plus, I was always the most productive and ingenious at around 2 a.m.. I sleep through that time now so I feel my creativity slipping away into the REM cycle. This "grown-up" lifestyle is draining the life from me. Is this really what life is? Sitting behind a desk to earn money to pay off all of the shit that is required for the "American Dream"? I don't need it. I need the ability to be creative.

I'm half tempted to put my tent and my sleeping bag in the back of my car and wonder through this country taking a photo-journalistic approach to my travels. I need to do something that requires me to think about something much less concrete than accounting. I need wiggle room to formulate my own ideas about whatever subject may arise in conversation. I miss the wiggle room of my collegiate youth.

I am an old hag.

Bah.

There Are Just Some Things I know I Should Avoid

I have a friend who continually allows men to determine how she feels about herself...and when they treat her like shit and go back to their girlfriends she bitches about it on her blog. I finally decided to just give it to her straight and not blame the guy and sympathise with her as I usually do. So, she's upset with me. Frankly, I don't give a damn. If you are too blind to see it's your actions and lack of self-esteem that keeps you in the vicious cycle, then I no longer have sympathy. I was a victim of the cycle as well, thus I understand what it's like to be played with. However, now I can recognize that it's happening and end it before I get too involved.

That said, here's my dilemma. Within the past few weeks, I have met two men. One of whom I'm smitten with and one that I should be smitten with but am not. I told the universe that I didn't want to date while I was back here and I never want to date a musician again and what does it do? It sends me a local musician to fuck with my head a week later. He's just wonderful but he has major social anxiety which had proven to make this a slow, slow process. Whenever we run into each other, though, sparks fly.

Now for guy numero dos. He is one of the funniest and most intelligent men I've ever met. I love hanging out with him and talking to him but I simply am not attracted to him. How can this be? Granted, I probably wouldn't have been so enthusiastic about him at our first meeting if I hadn't had this leech attached to me over New Years (that's a whole other story that will make me nauseous if I think about it hard enough to write about it).

The two collided on Tuesday when several of us attended the musician's show at a place where I used to work. Admittedly, I spent most of the evening comparing the two of them. The musician won. There's just something about him. There was an instant connection when he first sat down with me and a mutual friend in a coffee shop. I haven't felt that kind of chemistry in a very long time. I know that he is interested in me by the way he has behaved towards me during and since our first meeting. The problem is I am a bold move person and he is clearly more subtle in his efforts.

I still don't know if I want to date anyone at the moment but I can't help but notice the addition of these two men to my life. I'm just really annoyed and confused by the whole situation.

I hate blogs like this.

Oh Hump Day.

John Edwards is on campus today no doubt realizing that he should have started campaigning in his home state a long time ago. The crowd was smallish and relatively lacking in supportive signage. I laughed as I drove by to see three measly John Edwards lawn signs on the side of the road that conspicuously were not there yesterday.

It's the first day of classes for the spring semester. It boggles my mind how different the energy is when the students are here and when they're gone. It's almost depressing when the campus is empty. You can feel that carefree hope and optimism that surrounds the student masses when class is in session. It reminds me of the song from Avenue Q "I wish I Could Go Back to College." It's this false sense of meaning and purpose that higher education thrusts upon you from the moment you step on campus. Rhetoric such as, "this is the dawn of your future" or "welcome to the threshold of becoming who you will ultimately be." Never ever do they say things like, "enjoy it now cause it's going to suck balls later" or "sure, go for your dream but health insurance, rent, bills and reality will do their damnedest to make it impossible to achieve."

It's contageous being around people who aren't as jaded by the "real world" as myself and my peers. Responsibility is a crock started by the protestants and their work ethic. Stupid "City Upon a Hill." I've turned into one of those people who always says, "enjoy it while you can cause life sucks," to the seniors itching to graduate. I hated those people when I was an undergrad. Shit.

It's amazing how fast things can be put into perspective.

One of my great friends informed me that her roommate (whom I've enjoyed being around on occasion) was in a very bad car accident shortly after New Years. She was on the passenger side of the above car that slammed into a parked truck at 75 mph.. Her name's Angela and she's in very critical condition. They know that she will pull through but she can't even think about walking again for the next six months at least. She was a professional dancer for the Knoxville hockey team and worked with people with learning disabilities. Keep her in your thoughts/prayers.

God and Politics

Before you get all bent out of shape at the mere assumption this blog is about to delve into that sticky realm of religion vs. politics, let me assure you that you have every right to be bent out of shape. Last night, I watched as Barack Obama sailed into victory in the Iowa caucus along with the "born-again" conservative preacher, Mike Huckabee. I in no way intend to be unbiased throughout this diatribe. I am a Barak supporter and I have been since before he announced his candidacy. I was reminded why while I listened to an episode of my favorite radio broadcast, "This American Life." The episode is entitled "Godless America." Even Ira can't cover his dislike of the Christian Fundamentalists he interviews.

The Christian Right scares the shit out of me to be blunt. The more I listen to their views on what America should become, the more shear anger bubbles up inside of me. It angers me to hear these narrow-minded men dictate how I should lead my life. I am a moral person who believes in a benevolent "God," which is where the disagreement begins. The Christian Right wants to overturn Roe V. Wade, outlaw birth control pills (not condoms, oh no, just birth control pills), legally punish a woman who becomes pregnant out of wedlock and deny homosexuals the same rights guaranteed to all other Americans. Does that seem heavily weighted against women to anyone else or is it just me?

First of all, it repulses me that the C.R. demands more morality on the part of women than on men. Why is it they believe a woman, and only the woman, should be punished for a pregnancy out of wedlock? Hellllllooooo? Basic biology. Unless we are all the Virgin Mary, I am pretty sure an egg has to be fertilized by something, I don't know, sperm in order to grow into a baby. Second of all, outlawing oral contraceptives is just fucking brilliant. W00t you morons! Thirdly, I am pro-life (um...who isn't really pro-life unless their suicidal?), BUT I do not believe in also killing women who are in a desperate situation by taking away their right to a clean, medically supervised abortion. I will not enforce my beliefs on someone else who's situation I can sympathise with but will (hopefully) never understand. Plus, if they take away oral contraceptives, does anyone else think the rate of abortions will escalate, or is that just me? To quote Mommy Dearest, "NO WIRE HANGARS EVER!!!"

Then there's this issue of homosexuality. True homosexuality is inherent from birth. Period. I do not believe that a loving God would punish someone for living the way that he/she made them. Plus, why is it most artists who create beautiful theatre/paintings/sculpture/film/etc are gay? God is responsible for beauty. God gives those who face prejudice the ability to make the most beauty. I find that interesting; to give someone you hate and will burn in the depths of hell the ability to beautify what you created before you torture them...

The C.R. also argues that events such as 9/11 and the war in Iraq are examples of God punishing us for leaving him/her out of the Constitution and advancing the "homosexual agenda." I am more inclined to believe that catastrophic events like these are the absence of God not the result of God. To say God willingly hurts his/her creations is humanizing him/her. What really gets my goat about the Iraq War argument is the C.R. claims we are helping the "infidels" in Iraq find God. Um...isn't that Al Qaeda's same argument for their extreme tactics? Potato, potahto. Evangelicals, terrorists.

Morality is defined by what we choose to include and exclude from our lives. We are all made of the same parts. We are all of one image. Why not love everyone and show tolerance? Why not live in the image of Christ who befriended those whom others rejected? Isn't that what Christianity is or is "Christianity" being used as the clothing on the wolf?

Basically, stay the fuck out of my uterus.

PS- BARACK THE VOTE!

Personal Quirks

I despise my obsessive personality sometimes. I get something into my head, then I want it, then I need it and finally I have the hardest time letting it go. Bah.

New Year, New Catharsis.

I've started 2008 with a series of cleansing events. I tend to carry things for long periods of time. Emotionally, I'd call myself fairly stable with a few triggers that send me into a brief tailspin from time to time. New Years Eve I had coffee with a woman I was, well, dumped for about three years ago. There are many things I regret about that whole situation but the major regret was that a budding friendship with a wonderful person was replaced by anger and hatred for her. When I finally got some distance and looked objectively at the situation, I realized that although I had been severely hurt, it really had nothing to do with me. I was the bi stander.

We talked about everything that happened and I felt the weight progressively exit my body as each topic arose. I can happily say we are back to the place we previously were before an unfortunate situation put a hold on things.

Shortly after ten p.m. on New Years day, I felt an all too familiar emotion welling up inside of me as I dried off from my shower. Before I could stifle it, tears rushed to my eyes and slipped down my cheeks at a marathon pace. I somehow knew then an end to a possibility was not too far behind. I sat on the bathroom rug and prayed for God to give me what I need and to forgo giving me what I want. [Interjection: I in no way pretend to have God, religion, the universe, etc. figured out but I know there is a power to earnest prayer]

At around four p.m. the next day, God answered my silent prayer. My ex, Matt, called to tell me what I already knew: He would not be able to meet me for a drink before he returned to Colorado. I don't know if he simply couldn't face me or he really just ran out of time but I do know not seeing him was for the best. We chatted about my new job and the changes in my life for a little bit, all the while, trying to hide the fact the conversation was tinged with the discomfort and feelings of pain/guilt/anger/love/frustration/etc.. Then, without much effort, I said everything I have wanted to say to him for the past four months. I told him what he did to me. I told him I care about him and I hope every single dream he has is fulfilled. I then ended our relationship completely. I told him I couldn't have him in my life in any way until I have sufficiently taken care of myself. He was silent and tense for the most part. Interjecting with small mumblings of agreement or disagreement. I don't think he imagined I would end it. He sounded hurt and, more interestingly, ashamed. He apologized for how he ended things and told me it was his biggest regret.

I ended the conversation with a concept I value above a great deal of things: Hope. I told him to kick ass and take names in Colorado and if he ever needed me, he could call. I doubt he ever will. I don't know if we'll cross paths again but I know we're both going to be okay. I hope a friendship is in the distance but frankly, it's very distant.

God gave me what I needed. There is still a great deal of pain associated with Matt and Colorado but now I feel as if I've regained mobility. I've taken the first step to something better for me in the long run. It may be the first of many, but at least I'm moving.

One for the Books.

I am so glad 2007 is done, gone and buried in a cemetary with tacky, faded, plastic flower arrangements. Here's the metaphor I've come up with: 2007 was like that friend you had in high school that would make snide comments about you because they "care enough to actually say something" while merely boosting their own fragile ego. Then, finally, you get away from them and realize they taught you so much that helped keep you from being in future unhealthy relationships. You're glad it happened but relieved it's over.

I am an adult.

For a few months I felt as if all of my dreams and aspirations became impossibilities. Now I see they're still reachable I'm just going to have to stand on my tip toes to reach them. Time to take up ballet.