Just working things out aloud.

It's been an up and down week. My dearest friends are coming or already came home for Christmas and I am so happy to see them. However, I've been re consumed by overwhelming feelings of longing/loss/regret/anger/sadness for the ex. I'll never be with him again. It's a reality that's been sitting in the base of my spine and is slowly starting to wind its way through my veins, my heart and finally, my head. I haven't been able to admit it until now and I'm not handling it as well as I'd hoped. I've allowed myself to admit that I was/am out of his league. He can't and never will give me what I need. He's too selfish, which is a good thing for what he truly wants from in his life but it's poison to his emotional stability. He loved me and that's what makes this so hard. I was truly, completely and overwhelmingly loved. The more I replay our last day, the more I realize he ended it because he loved me. That sounds like a classic abused wife but I know it's true. He knew my life wouldn't reach the potential it could if we stayed together through the changes in our lives. The timing was beyond off: It was catastrophic.

So, this is what I'm taking from our relationship.

1. I deserve someone who is genuine and kind.
2. I deserve someone who is passionate.
3. I deserve someone who I am totally comfortable with.
4. I deserve someone who I can lay on a floor and laugh with.
5. I deserve someone who looks at me like they've never seen any other person before.
6. I deserve someone who supports me in every way they can.
7. I deserve someone who will sacrifice for me.
8. I deserve someone who is a great lover.
9. I deserve someone who loves me without question or condition.
10. I deserve someone who isn't intimidated by my success or education.
11. I deserve someone who is driven and talented.
12. I deserve someone I can take care of who will take care of me.

I had most of these things with the ex. He showed me what it's like to have those things. I will always love him for what he gave me. My hope is that someday we can at least be friendly again but it's a dim and distant possibility right now. I also hope he lets me go. He hasn't yet, so I haven't been able to move on. I need him to let me go so I can let him go. He wanted it to end. Now I just need him to let it end.