It's been an up and down week. My dearest friends are coming or already came home for Christmas and I am so happy to see them. However, I've been re consumed by overwhelming feelings of longing/loss/regret/anger/sadness for the ex. I'll never be with him again. It's a reality that's been sitting in the base of my spine and is slowly starting to wind its way through my veins, my heart and finally, my head. I haven't been able to admit it until now and I'm not handling it as well as I'd hoped. I've allowed myself to admit that I was/am out of his league. He can't and never will give me what I need. He's too selfish, which is a good thing for what he truly wants from in his life but it's poison to his emotional stability. He loved me and that's what makes this so hard. I was truly, completely and overwhelmingly loved. The more I replay our last day, the more I realize he ended it because he loved me. That sounds like a classic abused wife but I know it's true. He knew my life wouldn't reach the potential it could if we stayed together through the changes in our lives. The timing was beyond off: It was catastrophic.
So, this is what I'm taking from our relationship.
1. I deserve someone who is genuine and kind.
2. I deserve someone who is passionate.
3. I deserve someone who I am totally comfortable with.
4. I deserve someone who I can lay on a floor and laugh with.
5. I deserve someone who looks at me like they've never seen any other person before.
6. I deserve someone who supports me in every way they can.
7. I deserve someone who will sacrifice for me.
8. I deserve someone who is a great lover.
9. I deserve someone who loves me without question or condition.
10. I deserve someone who isn't intimidated by my success or education.
11. I deserve someone who is driven and talented.
12. I deserve someone I can take care of who will take care of me.
I had most of these things with the ex. He showed me what it's like to have those things. I will always love him for what he gave me. My hope is that someday we can at least be friendly again but it's a dim and distant possibility right now. I also hope he lets me go. He hasn't yet, so I haven't been able to move on. I need him to let me go so I can let him go. He wanted it to end. Now I just need him to let it end.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Where do you see yourself in ten years?
Frankly, I don't know the answer to that particular question. I can tell you things that I want for my life, but I can't tell you if I will accomplish/attain them in a ten year time span. I'll be 33 in ten years. Jeeze. I remember when I was little and thinking 15 would never come. Well, it did and it went faster than I can wrap my mind around. Where will I be when I'm in my thirties? I hope I'll be in the theatre still. I hope I'll be teaching acting. I hope I'll have my own little bungalow. I won't mind if I'm married by then. I don't think I'll have any kids by that point but I'll be considering it, I'm sure. I hope to be out west. Washington, Oregon or Colorado. I'll have my MFA. Period. Do I want great success? Not necessarily. I just want to be happy. That's basically all I hope for. Happiness and whatever that encompasses. Maybe I'm an idealist, so what? It's the idealists who make changes happen. MLK, for example. He didn't blindly accept the world as it was and he changed it. I refuse to let how hard life is change my hope for happiness. I'm aware of the downsides but why should they outweigh the upsides? We count our misfortunes with great care and effort but we blindly accept our blessings. In ten years, I'll be happy but I'm not going to wait ten years to start trying.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
New Car
I just bought a car. I'm officially in debt for the first time in my life. I love my old car, which is still in tip top condition but it was cheaper to have a car payment, insurance and gas on a new car than to just paying for the gas for the old one. I don't want to get rid of my other car. It's been with me for eight years. So much has happened to me in that car. My first kiss, three colleges, and ungodly amount of long conversations, my first long drive, etc, etc, etc. It's like my dog died. I'm serious. I've become attached to that car. It has a personality. It's always been there for me when I'm screaming crying driving down the highway after some trauma. Can't I keep it? Can't I have both?
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Pilates and the Other Changes.
Break ups and life alterations have different effects on different people. Usually, after one or both of these events, I cut off or dye my hair. I guess it's a cleansing process or an attempt to make myself unrecognizable to avoid awkward situations. Well, I didn't do the ritualistic cutting this time. Instead, I started taking pilates. This may be a desperate attempt to be ripped and sexy by the next encounter with any of my exes but I think it's not that superficial. I just want to feel strong. I want to feel as though I can conquer anything because currently, I feel helpless and weak. The more I realize how much has changed in the past year, the more I feel lost. I have a great job. I have a ton of wonderful support and love from friends and family and I am very thankful for it. However, it is the lack of support from myself that has me bothered. Thus, I am letting my pilates instructor, Steve, kick my ass. It's already working. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I'm finished and it's actually fun. I'm getting stronger. It's apparently a physiological process where by developing physical strength, you will also develop mental and emotional strength. At least, I hope so. My question is, is there ever a point in life where you don't feel lost?
Monday, December 10, 2007
I Hate Money
I hate money. I absolutely hate it. I'm trying to save it but the fucking government is taking 27% of my earnings and I'm in one of the lowest tax brackets. This is insane. No wonder the middle class can barely survive. If I were a single mother, there's no way I'd make it. Hell, if I wanted to live on my own, I could hardly make it. I hate the Bush administration. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Arrest me. That way, I can live off my own tax money.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Personal Statement Attempt 1
Below is my first draft of my personal statement. Enjoy.
I am worried; plain and simple. I am worried that our society is moving further and further away from the arts. I am worried the work that I cherish and respect is struggling more than ever to survive. What I am not worried about is that there are people who are willing to fight tooth and nail to bridge the gap between our society’s culture and the art world’s culture. I am not worried about this because I am one of those warriors.
This past year has been one of the most difficult of my life. I spent the majority of my year as a Journeyman at the Warehouse Theatre teaching Shakespeare along with four other actors to area high school students through the NEA’s Shakespeare in American Communities grant. This proved to be more difficult than I ever imagined. However, it was also one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. The students I taught, roughly 1500, opened my eyes to the successes and the failings of South Carolina’s education system: The system that I was educated in. It was at The Fine Arts Center in Greenville, South Carolina that I discovered my passion for the stage.
Growing up in the South with a British mother and a South Carolinian father automatically made me the odd ball. My mother read Shakespeare to me at a young age and my father made me watch the news nightly. It was difficult trying to have conversations about the things that interested me with my peers because they were usually more interested in the upcoming pep rally then the collected works of Shakespeare. Visiting over twenty high schools, including my alma mater, reassured me that not only am I doing what I love to do but I am also doing what I need to do. In my nine months as a Journeyman, I learned less about acting and more about myself and my goals.
At the end of my contract, I did the cliché actor’s in-between job and waited tables until I moved to Chicago in August. Then, I almost went on tour with a bluegrass band out of Colorado until the band fell apart. Still reeling from one disappointment, my livelihood in Chicago fell apart topped off with a broken heart and a wounded pride. So, I did what any twenty-something person in financial and emotional distress would do, I let my friends get me drunk, sublet my apartment and moved back home a few weeks later.
Serendipitously, there was a job opening in the Clemson University Performing Arts Department for an administrative specialist. I applied for the job my second day home and a month later, I began working for them. I work for both the business office, as well as, the Brooks Center for the Performing Arts Box Office. The Brooks Center is a professional touring house that is also connected to Clemson’s theatre program. Working in a collegiate environment and for a professional house has influenced me to continue on my pursuit for an MFA degree and a full time professional acting career. I greatly value the opportunity I have been given to learn the inner workings of a theatre and I know it will help me in the future. I have learned so much about the financial aspects of maintaining an arts facility and it is satisfying to know I am contributing to the arts in some way but it is not enough to satisfy my appetite for a theatre career.
I have auditioned for your program the past two years. Instead of taking the last two auditions as failures, I decided to learn from them and then take the steps I could to better myself and my instrument in the months that followed each audition. Your program focuses on Suzuki and Viewpoints for the actor’s physical development. Unfortunately, in my current residence, there are few long term classes available in those areas but I supplemented my training to the best of my abilities. I picked up Ann Bogart’s The Viewpoints Book, devoured it and then jumped at the opportunity to take a few master classes on both Suzuki and Viewpoints with Jeffrey Fracé of the SITI Company. I have also been working with Teri Parker-Lewis on my voice and acting techniques. I have known Teri since she was a Journeyman and I was an apprentice at the Warehouse Theatre during Jack Young’s final year as Artistic Director. I also recently started taking pilates and yoga to strengthen my body and mind.
One thing that sets me apart from other actors I have encountered is I am not afraid to fail. I believe there is a difference between people who strive for fear of failing and people who strive because they will not be satisfied until they reach beyond their limitations and fears. I know if I fail, I will not cease until I succeed. If I fail, I will turn it into strength by learning from my mistakes. I will face failure but I will never allow myself to let it keep me from getting back up and striving to do better.
I am worried; plain and simple. I am worried that our society is moving further and further away from the arts. I am worried the work that I cherish and respect is struggling more than ever to survive. What I am not worried about is that there are people who are willing to fight tooth and nail to bridge the gap between our society’s culture and the art world’s culture. I am not worried about this because I am one of those warriors.
This past year has been one of the most difficult of my life. I spent the majority of my year as a Journeyman at the Warehouse Theatre teaching Shakespeare along with four other actors to area high school students through the NEA’s Shakespeare in American Communities grant. This proved to be more difficult than I ever imagined. However, it was also one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. The students I taught, roughly 1500, opened my eyes to the successes and the failings of South Carolina’s education system: The system that I was educated in. It was at The Fine Arts Center in Greenville, South Carolina that I discovered my passion for the stage.
Growing up in the South with a British mother and a South Carolinian father automatically made me the odd ball. My mother read Shakespeare to me at a young age and my father made me watch the news nightly. It was difficult trying to have conversations about the things that interested me with my peers because they were usually more interested in the upcoming pep rally then the collected works of Shakespeare. Visiting over twenty high schools, including my alma mater, reassured me that not only am I doing what I love to do but I am also doing what I need to do. In my nine months as a Journeyman, I learned less about acting and more about myself and my goals.
At the end of my contract, I did the cliché actor’s in-between job and waited tables until I moved to Chicago in August. Then, I almost went on tour with a bluegrass band out of Colorado until the band fell apart. Still reeling from one disappointment, my livelihood in Chicago fell apart topped off with a broken heart and a wounded pride. So, I did what any twenty-something person in financial and emotional distress would do, I let my friends get me drunk, sublet my apartment and moved back home a few weeks later.
Serendipitously, there was a job opening in the Clemson University Performing Arts Department for an administrative specialist. I applied for the job my second day home and a month later, I began working for them. I work for both the business office, as well as, the Brooks Center for the Performing Arts Box Office. The Brooks Center is a professional touring house that is also connected to Clemson’s theatre program. Working in a collegiate environment and for a professional house has influenced me to continue on my pursuit for an MFA degree and a full time professional acting career. I greatly value the opportunity I have been given to learn the inner workings of a theatre and I know it will help me in the future. I have learned so much about the financial aspects of maintaining an arts facility and it is satisfying to know I am contributing to the arts in some way but it is not enough to satisfy my appetite for a theatre career.
I have auditioned for your program the past two years. Instead of taking the last two auditions as failures, I decided to learn from them and then take the steps I could to better myself and my instrument in the months that followed each audition. Your program focuses on Suzuki and Viewpoints for the actor’s physical development. Unfortunately, in my current residence, there are few long term classes available in those areas but I supplemented my training to the best of my abilities. I picked up Ann Bogart’s The Viewpoints Book, devoured it and then jumped at the opportunity to take a few master classes on both Suzuki and Viewpoints with Jeffrey Fracé of the SITI Company. I have also been working with Teri Parker-Lewis on my voice and acting techniques. I have known Teri since she was a Journeyman and I was an apprentice at the Warehouse Theatre during Jack Young’s final year as Artistic Director. I also recently started taking pilates and yoga to strengthen my body and mind.
One thing that sets me apart from other actors I have encountered is I am not afraid to fail. I believe there is a difference between people who strive for fear of failing and people who strive because they will not be satisfied until they reach beyond their limitations and fears. I know if I fail, I will not cease until I succeed. If I fail, I will turn it into strength by learning from my mistakes. I will face failure but I will never allow myself to let it keep me from getting back up and striving to do better.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Personal Statement
I have to write a "person statement" for grad school. I've written two of these for UW so far and it gives me the greatest anxiety to have to write another one. In fact, it's one of the major reasons why I wasn't going to apply this year. That, and the three letters of recommendation I have to make materialize by a certain date. Ugh. I'm not a writer. Not even close. How the hell am I supposed to explain why I want to be an actor and why I should be admitted into their program in a page. Part of me wants to write "If you aren't convinced by my audition, then this paper will be irrelevant." or "Please refer to the previous two years of personal statements." or "This past year has been the most difficult of my life. I've grown from it and I believe your program will help me reignite the light at the end of the tunnel which has grown dimmer with the introduction of harsh realities."
I don't fucking know. I can write a polite and self-critical page explaining my weaknesses and strengths and how their program can strengthen all of my abilities but I've done that. Plus, I have to audition for these people. If they don't see potential in the first 30 seconds of my audition, there is no way what I wrote in my personal statement, my transcripts, or my three letters of rec. will get me into the program. It's like jumping through 1,000 hoops to just get a pat on the head and the cold affirmation of "nice work" at the end of the obstacle course. It just seems impossible. Not to mention, the insane amount of moulah it takes to even do this. UW's application fee alone is $110. $110 for just 15 minutes of their precious time. Jesus. Plus, airfare, new audition outfit, and food money. With the added large sum usually spent on drowning a horrific audition in alcoholic beverages. Why do I do this to myself? Because I want it more than anything and I will not stop until I succeed. Fuck, I hate this fact about myself sometimes. I get an idea into my head, which eventually seeps into my heart and then I cannot let it go for the life of me. Can't there be an easier way? I know that I am able to be an integral part of any program I were to get accepted into. I know I could do it and do it well or I would kill myself till I did. The problem is, so would thousands of other women who have the same look and talent that I posses. What can I do that would make me stand out? I don't know and I've been trying to figure that out for two years. Bleh.
I don't fucking know. I can write a polite and self-critical page explaining my weaknesses and strengths and how their program can strengthen all of my abilities but I've done that. Plus, I have to audition for these people. If they don't see potential in the first 30 seconds of my audition, there is no way what I wrote in my personal statement, my transcripts, or my three letters of rec. will get me into the program. It's like jumping through 1,000 hoops to just get a pat on the head and the cold affirmation of "nice work" at the end of the obstacle course. It just seems impossible. Not to mention, the insane amount of moulah it takes to even do this. UW's application fee alone is $110. $110 for just 15 minutes of their precious time. Jesus. Plus, airfare, new audition outfit, and food money. With the added large sum usually spent on drowning a horrific audition in alcoholic beverages. Why do I do this to myself? Because I want it more than anything and I will not stop until I succeed. Fuck, I hate this fact about myself sometimes. I get an idea into my head, which eventually seeps into my heart and then I cannot let it go for the life of me. Can't there be an easier way? I know that I am able to be an integral part of any program I were to get accepted into. I know I could do it and do it well or I would kill myself till I did. The problem is, so would thousands of other women who have the same look and talent that I posses. What can I do that would make me stand out? I don't know and I've been trying to figure that out for two years. Bleh.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Monday, Monday
I'm going to audition again this year. Yeah.
I've realized after a drunken Wild Wings adventure with three Clemson boys that I do not want to date right now. Not at all. I know that I need to be with someone who is at least, at LEAST five years older than me. The issue is, the men I know who meet this parameter are either gay, actors, musicians or a combination of any of those three. I could find one regular Joe, I'm sure of it but I just don't have the energy. I can't deal with insecure men whom I have to be strong for. I'm done. And I'm also beginning to realize just how easy it is to find a guy to sleep with if I wanted to. I used to believe the opposite but now, it's too easy. I want a challenge. I like the chase and the flirtation which seems to go out the window with most of the guys I meet now. They're all so desperate. Ugh. It really doesn't make the end result of the flirtation that appealing when I know that I've basically already won.
In other news, Matt called me on Saturday and Sunday night. My phone was off both times. He sounded aggravated. Asking me, yet again, if I was in Denver yet. All he would have to do to find that out is look at my Myspace page cause my employment information is listed at the bottom. I don't get how he can be aggravated at me for not telling him what I'm doing. I haven't lied to him I just haven't talked to him. Who the hell does he think he is? Seriously. He ended it. He was the coward. He was the one who turned his back on me so why does he think he has the right to get pissed off at me because I'm not returning his fucking phone calls!!?? ARG!!!!!!!!
I've realized after a drunken Wild Wings adventure with three Clemson boys that I do not want to date right now. Not at all. I know that I need to be with someone who is at least, at LEAST five years older than me. The issue is, the men I know who meet this parameter are either gay, actors, musicians or a combination of any of those three. I could find one regular Joe, I'm sure of it but I just don't have the energy. I can't deal with insecure men whom I have to be strong for. I'm done. And I'm also beginning to realize just how easy it is to find a guy to sleep with if I wanted to. I used to believe the opposite but now, it's too easy. I want a challenge. I like the chase and the flirtation which seems to go out the window with most of the guys I meet now. They're all so desperate. Ugh. It really doesn't make the end result of the flirtation that appealing when I know that I've basically already won.
In other news, Matt called me on Saturday and Sunday night. My phone was off both times. He sounded aggravated. Asking me, yet again, if I was in Denver yet. All he would have to do to find that out is look at my Myspace page cause my employment information is listed at the bottom. I don't get how he can be aggravated at me for not telling him what I'm doing. I haven't lied to him I just haven't talked to him. Who the hell does he think he is? Seriously. He ended it. He was the coward. He was the one who turned his back on me so why does he think he has the right to get pissed off at me because I'm not returning his fucking phone calls!!?? ARG!!!!!!!!
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