The Drag "Race"

For those of you who are unfamiliar with highway 123 through Easley, SC, this post is irrelevant to your existence. 123 is a drag strip, and by drag I mean in the sense that everyone has mutually agreed that the speed limit(s) are at least 10 miles too fast. Not only is the speed limit too fast but there is an unspoken rule that if you are going at least 20 miles under the speed limit, you must find a buddy who is doing the same speed and sit side-by-side with them for at least 10 miles while traffic backs up behind you. Granted, I have found a sort of zen-like state while driving this stretch of country sleeze. I've decided that since I spend approx. an hour and a half in the car five days a week that I would listen to books on tape and learn Italian. Currently, I am taking a break from the Italian lessons and have begun listening to a book entitled Eat, Pray, Love. This book has really begun to speak to me on a deep personal level.

I have very little in common with the author. She is a thirty-something divorcee who spent a year traveling to find her spiritual path. There was one thing that she wrote about that I've been mulling over since. She had an encounter with a spiritual leader in Indonesia who asked the group she was with to name the three things that they wanted in their lives. He also said that if any of those things conflict with each other, then you have destined yourself to unhappiness. I've thought about my three.
I want a great love who will feel the same way about me as I do him and I want that love to extend beyond passion and into the deeper love that only friends can share.
I want to be settled in a town that I love with my own place.
I want a career that feeds my mind, soul and wallet.

Of these three, I think the first is my most valued desire. I believe, perhaps in a childlike way, that there is such a thing as great love, not addictive love, but great love. Now, this is relevant to the title of this post because I feel like I'm dragging on all three of these goals. Granted, I have very little control over the first one except that I can be ready for the possibility by loving myself that much. Who ever said that happiness is a gradual process; one that cannot be obtained quickly? I wish that I could snap myself out of this mild depression and rediscover the person I was all of six months ago. I miss that blissfully happy period I was in. I want it back and I lack the patience to let it happen. I never thought I would be a drag racer or that I would be where I am at this very moment. I know life will be this way until the day I die but I cannot blindly accept this lack of security in both my finances and my emotional stability.

"I cannot control the way I am perceived, I can only control the way I am presented." -Tim Gunn (whom I love). I've decided that I am going to take up yoga and pilates. I need to "center" myself in the most jaded terms. God, when did I grow up? When did I lose that wide-eyed belief that I could do anything I wanted to? And why did I lose that belief? I envy a friend of mine who truly lives on the spur of the moment. I could never live like that. I could never max out my credit card and buy a plane ticket to London on a whim. I would have a panic attack. In fact, the only panic attack in my life that's on record happened because I was doing something that was on a whim. Reality hit me and I fell to pieces. The desire to do what I attempted, however, has not left me. Denver has not left me. I am, without a doubt, one of the most stubborn individuals of all time. I get an idea into my head/heart and I will not let go. It's like a chinese finger trap where no matter how much I tug, I can't release myself. But if you know the trick to the finger trap, all you have to do is give way and let it let you go. It's this step that gives me the most trouble. It's this step I am working on.