The Beginning

This past Thanksgiving was one of the best by far. Kit (my Army brother who's currently serving in Iraq) came home. It was a complete surprise to my family because last we heard he was not going to be home until December for leave if at all. I was nervous to see him because I feared that he would not be the same person as when he left. After all, how could he not have changed? But, true to form, he's the same. I didn't realize just how much I've missed him until I saw him in the airport. I've been in denial over the fact that he enlisted, let alone that he's sitting in the Iraqi desert with an AK47. It's really good to have him home. It puts a great deal of things into perspective. For example, how much I would have missed if I were in Denver/Chicago and how I am in the right place for the time being. I wouldn't have been home for the majority of his visit and just the thought of that breaks my heart and makes me very grateful.

I've also really started the process of moving on from my last heartbreak. I've realized a great deal of truths that until recently have been shrouded in the euphoric/gut wrenching feelings lost loves provide. He was and is one of the most genuine people I've ever known but he's young and immature and needs time to grow up and become less selfish before he's any good to any woman. I had the time of my life with him and until this past holiday, part of me believed that I would never find that again. Now, I know I will but I am afraid he won't. One of the hardest issues I've had to deal with so far has been the desire I have to hate him. It's always been much easier for me to move on if there is a level of anger surrounding a past relationship. I can't hate Matt and that's okay. I love him and I want him to succeed. My hope is we will someday be able to have the friendship that governed our relationship again but right now that particular hope must sit and wait because the timing is off.

I also realized that I will have the relationship I deserve and Matt was great, really great, but he wasn't what I need. I need someone who will be there for me through thick, thin and sweatpants. He was there through the thick and the sweatpants but turned his back on me in the thin. Well, at least when it was thin for me. I also need someone who will make sacrifices for me, who will fight for me. If Matt were to fight for me, really fight for me then there would be a chance for a reconciliation but the chances of him brawling for my affections are slim.

Finally, I listened to myself and now know he will always regret me but I will not always regret him. Our break-up was not within my control. The choice was his and therefore, the aftermath rests solely on his shoulders. I know that he wants me to alleviate his guilty conscience but I will not. It is not my responsibility to heal his self-inflicted wounds, not anymore at least, because I have to heal the wounds he inflicted on me.

It's truly amazing what a little conversation with two of your best friends can do. I can't wait until we're all home for Christmas.