And it's been a while...

At least my last post was also in a month that begins with A.

Well, I quit my soul-destroying job, went to NTC in Denver for a month, moved to Charleston and got a job selling over priced thongs.

It's kind of sad that the last three (almost four) months can be summed up that quickly. I am a thousand times happier than I was. I really didn't realize the depth of my misery until I crawled out of the cave, realized that my gut wasn't just overreacting and I wasn't just being a weakling who can't hang outside of the collegiate womb (thanks Kel for the O article).

NTC really changed my perspective on a lot of things. It was a godsend that I happened to go this particular year. I can't describe the experience to anyone who wasn't there. I guess it's like holding your breath until you almost pass out and then taking that big gasp of air and feeling your lungs filling with cool oxygen. Euphoria. Absolute Euphoria.

Random Babble

I miss someone whom I haven't missed in this particular way in a long time. No matter what, I always come back to him. We've known each other for three years and I've pretty much loved him since day one. He's one of my closest friends and I love him more deeply than most people in my life. He's the center. He's the starting point that you always return to after navigating the circumference. He's home. This should probably tell me something.

I am so lucky to have the people in my life that I do. I have one of the best support systems a person could hope for.

I'm literally tired of thinking about what I should do with my life. I just want to be happy and I have a feeling that I know where I would be happy. I've planned on going back there since college, I just don't want to return too soon. Does that make any sense?

I'm extremely proud of two of my closest friends, Katie and Kelly. They are such extraordinary women. Katie, super talented and just an all around wonderful human being, not-to-mention one of the funniest people I know. Kelly, her tenacity, drive and intellect make me strive to be like her someday. Aside from her mind, you can always count on her heart to embrace you when you're in need. I am so lucky to know them.

I think I subconsciously put myself in shitty situations. "You are positively charming..." I have a problem. I need to be able to shut off my flirtatious tendencies but if there's anything to challenge me I cannot...cannot let it go. I am an idiot.

I hate my current job. I love the people I work with but the actual job is just awful. I'm an accountant and I hate math. I was hired to assist the director of the arts facility and they hired someone else to do what I was hired to do. Seriously? This is just insane. They're wasting money and my time. I know this will help me in the future but right now it's a necessary evil (emphasis on evil). Arg.

I need a vacation. The last few weekends I spent in Charleston have spoiled me. It's like starving for a week and then someone handing you a plate filled with all of your favorite foods just to take it away and make you starve again. I'm hungry.

I'm on the way. I know I'm getting somewhere. I'm positive about this.

Pet Peeves

There are few things in this world I dislike more than catty women (or should I say girls?). I understand the need to protect things that are dear to you but to be silly and immature is not the way to go about it. Insecurity, although difficult to overcome, is not an excuse. I have had more ridiculous girls do whatever they can to shake me from my solid ground in the past few months than ever before. I have not experienced this kind of behavior since the 6th grade. Did you get that? SIXTH GRADE! I won't apologize for being secure, knowing who I am and liking it. If you find that threatening, it's your problem and only your problem.

Why do women do this to each other? At least men are more to the point about it and just say what's bothering them. Women, however, find it necessary to try and underhandedly cut down the threat, thus, making themselves look like the idiot. For the love of Pete, just be secure in what you have and shake off the rest. There's no need for obnoxious (yet, sometimes entertaining) behavior. Let. It. Go.

Possibilities.

The world has stretched out before me beckoning me to choose where I want to go. I have nothing tying me to anything after October. I'm debating between three cities: London, Brooklyn and Charleston. Each one has pros and cons of course but I'm almost certain that one of them will fall into place when I need it to. I can't stay at my job after August or I will absolutely shrivel into a pile of discontent. I love Greenville but I am tired of meeting people who know all of the people I already know. Right now it is just a question of what I want to do with my life. My mom suggested that I don't try and figure that out while I'm here. She told me to move to a city that I really love and then try to figure it out there. That way, if it doesn't work out, I will still be in a good place.

I didn't get into grad school but I missed it by a narrow margin. I'm closer to getting in than I've ever been but I'm not sure if it's what I want anymore. I've chased this dream for so long but now it's fading into the background as I enjoy finding out what else I'm interested in. I have a lot of very different ambitions I'm exploring. I'm just working it out as I go and not really dealing with the rest. It hurt not getting into grad school but dreams change and maybe it's time mine did.

Relationships continue to confuse me and this small world in which we live continues to shrink. There have been several full circle events in the last few weeks and all of them have yielded positive results. It really is funny just how interconnected we all are. Everything happens for a reason and I'm interested in discovering the reasons in the upcoming weeks or months.

I have a clean slate, now I just have to figure out what to write on it.

The EX Beeper

I have a theory that men are all issued a beeper at birth that alerts them when their ex girlfriends (or be it the case, boyfriends) meet someone else or are finally stable in their lives. I met a fell-off-the-boat thick accented German automotive engineer (guess which car company he works for) the other night at one of my favorite hangout spots. He's very nice, athletic, successful, intelligent, etc, etc. I'm not really interested in dating anyone at the moment, but he could be a nice distraction. Anywhoo, I get to my office Monday and lo-and-behold I have a myspace message from the ex's roommate, Ken. I am almost positive Ken had a huge hand in our breakup and I'm not sure why he feels it necessary to contact me. I don't even speak to the ex anymore (see previous posts). All I can conclude is someone's beeper went off.

More than anything, I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed that the cat comes back without fail. I ran into one of the ex's friends, David, Saturday afternoon as well. He asked what happened and I was sure he would have at least heard something. David said to me that I was out of my ex's league and if he saw/sees me he'll regret it instantly. David saw him over Christmas and said that he looks like the weight of the world is bearing down on him. I should feel vindicated by this but I feel saddened instead.

How can I have a balance? Can I have this kid in my life or is it impossible? I don't want to be dragged down by him every time I get a leg up. I want to disable his beeper. I really want to make Ken feel about two inches tall and close off that connection, but how?

Everything else in my life is starting to balance. I'm not doing any plays anytime soon but I know that I will eventually. I haven't heard from grad schools so I'm in the limbo period but I'm holding up well. Things are looking up whether they like it or not. I'm okay and right now, that's not a bad place to be. I just want to euthanize the cat.

Walls.

"Don't trust in walls, cause walls will only crush you when they fall."-Ray LaMontagne

I wish my desk at work had walls around it. Not only due to the appeal of being able to read a book instead of pretending to be engrossed in "real" work (like I'm doing at this very moment) but because I would get so much more done. Whenever I actually have work to do, I am constantly interrupted. Some student needs help with the copier, some professor wants to chat, the phone constantly rings, etc.. Also, my pens/highlighters/post-its would not disappear as quickly if they weren't out in the open ready for the taking. I could also actually put up photos, paintings, anything really to make my office feel less like a foreign place and more like my place. I want to carve out my niche at work. I wouldn't mind sharing a cubicle with someone but this totally open layout is very exposing.

I am trying to be as positive as possible about work. I am learning a great deal about the accounting end of the arts, which will come in very handy if I own my own theatre in the future. I work with great people. I have a job that pays decently well in an economy that is showing signs of insecurity. I have a new car because of said job. I have benefits. I get to see a lot of free theatre and music. I have this experience on my resume so when I do move on I will have a better chance at finding a better job.

I feel as if I'm floating through life right now. Not really headed in a direction but not at a full stop either. I auditioned for a show last night and I haven't received a callback. I have another on Saturday but that's a much more difficult show to get into. I haven't been on stage in over a year. It's killing me. I know I'll be back on it soon but the time getting there is torture. Granted, I wanted this break. I wanted to see if I missed it. Well, I do. A lot.

I need a sporatic trip to somewhere. When can I make that happen? Hmmm...

I can't do anything right.

I can't even contract the flu from a school that has made national headlines due to the percentage of infecties. I contract a "virus with flu-like symptoms." Essentially, I have the flu but I don't have the leverage to take the time I need to really recover. Not to mention, I ain't got the sick leave built up in order to recover.

I miss my life. I know this has become a reoccuring theme in my blog but I really miss that thing called life. I had some friends from college in town for this theatre festival we hosted and it was so good to see them. I had this girl, Liz, whom I've never met approach me and tell me that I am a legend at the college. Apparently, people talk about how cool I am, etc. I felt like a big dissappointment. I'm not doing what I want to do. I have no social life. I'm not acting. I punch numbers. At the same time, I briefly felt like the person I once was; The mother hen, the mentor, the one who works her ass off. I was a damn awesome person in college and I know that I still have her within me. I just hope my growing up doesn't suffocate her.

I feel like doo doo.