There Are Just Some Things I know I Should Avoid

I have a friend who continually allows men to determine how she feels about herself...and when they treat her like shit and go back to their girlfriends she bitches about it on her blog. I finally decided to just give it to her straight and not blame the guy and sympathise with her as I usually do. So, she's upset with me. Frankly, I don't give a damn. If you are too blind to see it's your actions and lack of self-esteem that keeps you in the vicious cycle, then I no longer have sympathy. I was a victim of the cycle as well, thus I understand what it's like to be played with. However, now I can recognize that it's happening and end it before I get too involved.

That said, here's my dilemma. Within the past few weeks, I have met two men. One of whom I'm smitten with and one that I should be smitten with but am not. I told the universe that I didn't want to date while I was back here and I never want to date a musician again and what does it do? It sends me a local musician to fuck with my head a week later. He's just wonderful but he has major social anxiety which had proven to make this a slow, slow process. Whenever we run into each other, though, sparks fly.

Now for guy numero dos. He is one of the funniest and most intelligent men I've ever met. I love hanging out with him and talking to him but I simply am not attracted to him. How can this be? Granted, I probably wouldn't have been so enthusiastic about him at our first meeting if I hadn't had this leech attached to me over New Years (that's a whole other story that will make me nauseous if I think about it hard enough to write about it).

The two collided on Tuesday when several of us attended the musician's show at a place where I used to work. Admittedly, I spent most of the evening comparing the two of them. The musician won. There's just something about him. There was an instant connection when he first sat down with me and a mutual friend in a coffee shop. I haven't felt that kind of chemistry in a very long time. I know that he is interested in me by the way he has behaved towards me during and since our first meeting. The problem is I am a bold move person and he is clearly more subtle in his efforts.

I still don't know if I want to date anyone at the moment but I can't help but notice the addition of these two men to my life. I'm just really annoyed and confused by the whole situation.

I hate blogs like this.

Oh Hump Day.

John Edwards is on campus today no doubt realizing that he should have started campaigning in his home state a long time ago. The crowd was smallish and relatively lacking in supportive signage. I laughed as I drove by to see three measly John Edwards lawn signs on the side of the road that conspicuously were not there yesterday.

It's the first day of classes for the spring semester. It boggles my mind how different the energy is when the students are here and when they're gone. It's almost depressing when the campus is empty. You can feel that carefree hope and optimism that surrounds the student masses when class is in session. It reminds me of the song from Avenue Q "I wish I Could Go Back to College." It's this false sense of meaning and purpose that higher education thrusts upon you from the moment you step on campus. Rhetoric such as, "this is the dawn of your future" or "welcome to the threshold of becoming who you will ultimately be." Never ever do they say things like, "enjoy it now cause it's going to suck balls later" or "sure, go for your dream but health insurance, rent, bills and reality will do their damnedest to make it impossible to achieve."

It's contageous being around people who aren't as jaded by the "real world" as myself and my peers. Responsibility is a crock started by the protestants and their work ethic. Stupid "City Upon a Hill." I've turned into one of those people who always says, "enjoy it while you can cause life sucks," to the seniors itching to graduate. I hated those people when I was an undergrad. Shit.

It's amazing how fast things can be put into perspective.

One of my great friends informed me that her roommate (whom I've enjoyed being around on occasion) was in a very bad car accident shortly after New Years. She was on the passenger side of the above car that slammed into a parked truck at 75 mph.. Her name's Angela and she's in very critical condition. They know that she will pull through but she can't even think about walking again for the next six months at least. She was a professional dancer for the Knoxville hockey team and worked with people with learning disabilities. Keep her in your thoughts/prayers.

God and Politics

Before you get all bent out of shape at the mere assumption this blog is about to delve into that sticky realm of religion vs. politics, let me assure you that you have every right to be bent out of shape. Last night, I watched as Barack Obama sailed into victory in the Iowa caucus along with the "born-again" conservative preacher, Mike Huckabee. I in no way intend to be unbiased throughout this diatribe. I am a Barak supporter and I have been since before he announced his candidacy. I was reminded why while I listened to an episode of my favorite radio broadcast, "This American Life." The episode is entitled "Godless America." Even Ira can't cover his dislike of the Christian Fundamentalists he interviews.

The Christian Right scares the shit out of me to be blunt. The more I listen to their views on what America should become, the more shear anger bubbles up inside of me. It angers me to hear these narrow-minded men dictate how I should lead my life. I am a moral person who believes in a benevolent "God," which is where the disagreement begins. The Christian Right wants to overturn Roe V. Wade, outlaw birth control pills (not condoms, oh no, just birth control pills), legally punish a woman who becomes pregnant out of wedlock and deny homosexuals the same rights guaranteed to all other Americans. Does that seem heavily weighted against women to anyone else or is it just me?

First of all, it repulses me that the C.R. demands more morality on the part of women than on men. Why is it they believe a woman, and only the woman, should be punished for a pregnancy out of wedlock? Hellllllooooo? Basic biology. Unless we are all the Virgin Mary, I am pretty sure an egg has to be fertilized by something, I don't know, sperm in order to grow into a baby. Second of all, outlawing oral contraceptives is just fucking brilliant. W00t you morons! Thirdly, I am pro-life (um...who isn't really pro-life unless their suicidal?), BUT I do not believe in also killing women who are in a desperate situation by taking away their right to a clean, medically supervised abortion. I will not enforce my beliefs on someone else who's situation I can sympathise with but will (hopefully) never understand. Plus, if they take away oral contraceptives, does anyone else think the rate of abortions will escalate, or is that just me? To quote Mommy Dearest, "NO WIRE HANGARS EVER!!!"

Then there's this issue of homosexuality. True homosexuality is inherent from birth. Period. I do not believe that a loving God would punish someone for living the way that he/she made them. Plus, why is it most artists who create beautiful theatre/paintings/sculpture/film/etc are gay? God is responsible for beauty. God gives those who face prejudice the ability to make the most beauty. I find that interesting; to give someone you hate and will burn in the depths of hell the ability to beautify what you created before you torture them...

The C.R. also argues that events such as 9/11 and the war in Iraq are examples of God punishing us for leaving him/her out of the Constitution and advancing the "homosexual agenda." I am more inclined to believe that catastrophic events like these are the absence of God not the result of God. To say God willingly hurts his/her creations is humanizing him/her. What really gets my goat about the Iraq War argument is the C.R. claims we are helping the "infidels" in Iraq find God. Um...isn't that Al Qaeda's same argument for their extreme tactics? Potato, potahto. Evangelicals, terrorists.

Morality is defined by what we choose to include and exclude from our lives. We are all made of the same parts. We are all of one image. Why not love everyone and show tolerance? Why not live in the image of Christ who befriended those whom others rejected? Isn't that what Christianity is or is "Christianity" being used as the clothing on the wolf?

Basically, stay the fuck out of my uterus.

PS- BARACK THE VOTE!

Personal Quirks

I despise my obsessive personality sometimes. I get something into my head, then I want it, then I need it and finally I have the hardest time letting it go. Bah.

New Year, New Catharsis.

I've started 2008 with a series of cleansing events. I tend to carry things for long periods of time. Emotionally, I'd call myself fairly stable with a few triggers that send me into a brief tailspin from time to time. New Years Eve I had coffee with a woman I was, well, dumped for about three years ago. There are many things I regret about that whole situation but the major regret was that a budding friendship with a wonderful person was replaced by anger and hatred for her. When I finally got some distance and looked objectively at the situation, I realized that although I had been severely hurt, it really had nothing to do with me. I was the bi stander.

We talked about everything that happened and I felt the weight progressively exit my body as each topic arose. I can happily say we are back to the place we previously were before an unfortunate situation put a hold on things.

Shortly after ten p.m. on New Years day, I felt an all too familiar emotion welling up inside of me as I dried off from my shower. Before I could stifle it, tears rushed to my eyes and slipped down my cheeks at a marathon pace. I somehow knew then an end to a possibility was not too far behind. I sat on the bathroom rug and prayed for God to give me what I need and to forgo giving me what I want. [Interjection: I in no way pretend to have God, religion, the universe, etc. figured out but I know there is a power to earnest prayer]

At around four p.m. the next day, God answered my silent prayer. My ex, Matt, called to tell me what I already knew: He would not be able to meet me for a drink before he returned to Colorado. I don't know if he simply couldn't face me or he really just ran out of time but I do know not seeing him was for the best. We chatted about my new job and the changes in my life for a little bit, all the while, trying to hide the fact the conversation was tinged with the discomfort and feelings of pain/guilt/anger/love/frustration/etc.. Then, without much effort, I said everything I have wanted to say to him for the past four months. I told him what he did to me. I told him I care about him and I hope every single dream he has is fulfilled. I then ended our relationship completely. I told him I couldn't have him in my life in any way until I have sufficiently taken care of myself. He was silent and tense for the most part. Interjecting with small mumblings of agreement or disagreement. I don't think he imagined I would end it. He sounded hurt and, more interestingly, ashamed. He apologized for how he ended things and told me it was his biggest regret.

I ended the conversation with a concept I value above a great deal of things: Hope. I told him to kick ass and take names in Colorado and if he ever needed me, he could call. I doubt he ever will. I don't know if we'll cross paths again but I know we're both going to be okay. I hope a friendship is in the distance but frankly, it's very distant.

God gave me what I needed. There is still a great deal of pain associated with Matt and Colorado but now I feel as if I've regained mobility. I've taken the first step to something better for me in the long run. It may be the first of many, but at least I'm moving.

One for the Books.

I am so glad 2007 is done, gone and buried in a cemetary with tacky, faded, plastic flower arrangements. Here's the metaphor I've come up with: 2007 was like that friend you had in high school that would make snide comments about you because they "care enough to actually say something" while merely boosting their own fragile ego. Then, finally, you get away from them and realize they taught you so much that helped keep you from being in future unhealthy relationships. You're glad it happened but relieved it's over.

I am an adult.

For a few months I felt as if all of my dreams and aspirations became impossibilities. Now I see they're still reachable I'm just going to have to stand on my tip toes to reach them. Time to take up ballet.