In Response to Shawn's Nudge

Okay, okay. I get it. It's been over a year since I've updated this thing and although I have wanted to write many a time since my last post, I simply haven't. So, here's to the reawakening.

Lately there have been a lot of conversations about women who choose career over love or vice versa. My close circle of friends have all stated that they want the career. I agree but it's not without it's conflicting feelings. I want success in my career. I want to own a home without a man involved. I want to be promoted. I want to be the "Big Guy". I want to not only raise the bar but become the bar. Most importantly, I don't want to feel guilty about it. To quote Lady Gaga via Katie's blog,

"Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that you career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."

See? See what I mean? I know that if I bust my ass at my job I will eventually make it to where I want to go (well, in theory) but I don't know that if I sacrifice for a man it'll pay off. In fact, in my experience (outside of my parent's 40 year marriage) relationships suck. Someone screws up and it seems like it's harder with my generation for those screw ups to be resolved.

BUT speaking of career women, a friend of mine gave me a book to peruse recently and in spite of a cheesy title ("Women Don't Ask") and even more ridiculous and lame cover art, it's actually been a really eye-opening book. Basically, it's research from an economist and a psychologist on the real reason why women earn less money for the same or more demanding job, take care of more household issues and usually give up their career ambitions for their husband's. It's because we don't ask for more money/help/benefits/etc and from a young age are taught to not place monetary value on our tasks. I'm fascinated by this book. Why? Because everything they argue is backed by notated research and it just makes sense. It also pisses me off.

On the flip side, I made the colossal mistake of watching "Up In The Air" this afternoon, which is a love letter to the find-love-above-all-else-or-you'll-wind-up-with-ten-million-frequent-flyer-miles-and-an-empty-apartment argument. The more I think about it and the more I see the couples around me the more I realize, as a woman, you really can't have both. At least, you can't have both and maintain a normal blood pressure. Do I want the empty apartment and an amazing jet-setting life or do I want a warm body to come home to and an unsatisfying career?

There are times when I truly hate seeing both sides of most arguments.

Arg

I got into a yelling match via cell phone with my manipulative bitch of a boss about four hours ago. Funny thing about this whole situation is that I turned in my two-weeks notice, oh, over a month ago. I agreed to work one day a week because she begged me to and she somehow twisted it around to make it sound as if she's doing me a favor. I'm sorry,but what about a two-weeks notice is unclear? I quit and yet now I'm praying to be fired...?? This is the type of nonsense that only happens to me. Hopefully, when my anger subsides, I'll laugh because I'm sure this is funny.

The most pathetic sight I think of is a semi without anything to pull. It looks so lost without all 18 wheels. Like a turtle on its back. I think I'm the semi. Stubby and with no purpose for the moment, but hell if I don't know where I'm going.

Okay Universe, I'm putting it out there.

I am attempting to be uber positive. I am sending out good vibes of what I want to do/have/be into the ether and I believe, without a doubt that it will happen. The funny thing about this whole new perspective is that I'm being very secretive about what exactly it is I'm sending into the universe. Normally, I am too open about my desires but for some reason I'm very protective about this. I suppose I'm testing my faith in a way. I want this to happen to prove me right; to prove that I can do anything I set my mind to without other people cheering me on. It's lonely and isolated but I've relied too much on encouragement from outsiders in the past. Now, it's my responsibility.

Universe, you know what I want, now bring about the situations that will help me get it.

A Moment in History

Up until November 4, 2008 the only moments in my life that I would tell my kids about have all been sad. Princess Diana's death and funeral, 9-11, Iraq...you get my drift. Now, I can say that I have witnessed something spectacular. Barack Obama's acceptance speech in Grant park and the ensuing celebrations in the streets across the world. I am so proud to have been a part of this historic campaign as a donor to Obama and as a voter. My generation stepped up and spoke out against failed policies and Republican greed. I am so proud of my country, of my peers and of my generation who measured a man by his character and not his color. I am so very, very proud. Congratulations President-Elect Obama. Yes we did!

Head Over Heels

I am absolutely in love...with a fictional character (seriously). I hate to admit it but this is not the first time I've fallen for someone who only exists in print. It's interesting to me to look at the dynamic of how someone can get attached to a person who doesn't exist. So, here's my psychoanalytic interpretation of this phenomenon. Firstly, a fictional character is written to make you fall in love. They are usually in a plot line that has very high stakes. The high stakes keep things much more interesting than they would be in the typical daily life. Secondly, they do and say everything you wish someone in real life would do and say. They make the sweeping gestures of eternal devotion, they write love letters that would make Shakespeare green with envy, they fight for the heroine, etc, etc, etc. Lastly (and perhaps, most importantly) they don't exist. If I were actually presented with a Mr. Darcy or an Edward Cullen tomorrow, I would probably run as fast as I could away from them. I'm not ready for that kind of reality. I settle for relationships that I know won't go anywhere. It's easier at this point in my life to have a sudden burst of passion and heartache then to settle in for the long haul. For the moment, I'm content to keep this relationship strictly in my head and not actually in my hands.

The Big Bang

On the evening news tonight, they did a story about a group of scientists who are recreating the big bang underneath Switzerland. Part of me is really excited about this experiment and the other part of me is a little weary of it. First of all, there's the prospect of better understanding photons, neurons, dark matter and all the mysteries of the universe that kept me interested in college astronomy. Second of all, the way they're causing the reaction is pretty cool too. They're using giant magnets under the Earth's surface that they will send a shock wave of energy through that will cause a reaction that they can (hopefully) measure in tiny particle reactions. Cool, yase?

The flip side to this is, the big bang was a catastrophic event that, in theory, happened to have a fruitful side effect. So, what if this experiment is just catastrophic? I mean, Einstein didn't want the atom bomb but his discovery enabled it's creation. Plus, the Christian Right is accusing them of "playing God" as per usual, which usually means something that could change the face of how we view the world is about to happen. I have a feeling this may be important in the future. Just a hunch.

Hanky Panky

I am so glad that I work in the behind-the-scenes end of the store. I don't think I would get away with the way I say the brand-names of the products we sell if I were on the floor. I mean, seriously, people who decide to create a lingerie brand either think of a name that sounds vaguely french (of course only France could be responsible for beautiful and high-quality lingerie, duh) or that sounds like a weird sexual position (i.e. Hanky Panky). I find myself constantly stifling my strong desires to mock the pretentious products I have to sell to the person on the other end of the phone. It's also fun times talking to our male customers about converting their waist-size into a female size so they can buy thongs for themselves. Oh yeahhhh.

PS- Um...Nickelodeon is releasing a movie with Chris Malone and Amy Sedaris. Anyone else jumping for joy?