I have a theory that men are all issued a beeper at birth that alerts them when their ex girlfriends (or be it the case, boyfriends) meet someone else or are finally stable in their lives. I met a fell-off-the-boat thick accented German automotive engineer (guess which car company he works for) the other night at one of my favorite hangout spots. He's very nice, athletic, successful, intelligent, etc, etc. I'm not really interested in dating anyone at the moment, but he could be a nice distraction. Anywhoo, I get to my office Monday and lo-and-behold I have a myspace message from the ex's roommate, Ken. I am almost positive Ken had a huge hand in our breakup and I'm not sure why he feels it necessary to contact me. I don't even speak to the ex anymore (see previous posts). All I can conclude is someone's beeper went off.
More than anything, I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed that the cat comes back without fail. I ran into one of the ex's friends, David, Saturday afternoon as well. He asked what happened and I was sure he would have at least heard something. David said to me that I was out of my ex's league and if he saw/sees me he'll regret it instantly. David saw him over Christmas and said that he looks like the weight of the world is bearing down on him. I should feel vindicated by this but I feel saddened instead.
How can I have a balance? Can I have this kid in my life or is it impossible? I don't want to be dragged down by him every time I get a leg up. I want to disable his beeper. I really want to make Ken feel about two inches tall and close off that connection, but how?
Everything else in my life is starting to balance. I'm not doing any plays anytime soon but I know that I will eventually. I haven't heard from grad schools so I'm in the limbo period but I'm holding up well. Things are looking up whether they like it or not. I'm okay and right now, that's not a bad place to be. I just want to euthanize the cat.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Walls.
"Don't trust in walls, cause walls will only crush you when they fall."-Ray LaMontagne
I wish my desk at work had walls around it. Not only due to the appeal of being able to read a book instead of pretending to be engrossed in "real" work (like I'm doing at this very moment) but because I would get so much more done. Whenever I actually have work to do, I am constantly interrupted. Some student needs help with the copier, some professor wants to chat, the phone constantly rings, etc.. Also, my pens/highlighters/post-its would not disappear as quickly if they weren't out in the open ready for the taking. I could also actually put up photos, paintings, anything really to make my office feel less like a foreign place and more like my place. I want to carve out my niche at work. I wouldn't mind sharing a cubicle with someone but this totally open layout is very exposing.
I am trying to be as positive as possible about work. I am learning a great deal about the accounting end of the arts, which will come in very handy if I own my own theatre in the future. I work with great people. I have a job that pays decently well in an economy that is showing signs of insecurity. I have a new car because of said job. I have benefits. I get to see a lot of free theatre and music. I have this experience on my resume so when I do move on I will have a better chance at finding a better job.
I feel as if I'm floating through life right now. Not really headed in a direction but not at a full stop either. I auditioned for a show last night and I haven't received a callback. I have another on Saturday but that's a much more difficult show to get into. I haven't been on stage in over a year. It's killing me. I know I'll be back on it soon but the time getting there is torture. Granted, I wanted this break. I wanted to see if I missed it. Well, I do. A lot.
I need a sporatic trip to somewhere. When can I make that happen? Hmmm...
I wish my desk at work had walls around it. Not only due to the appeal of being able to read a book instead of pretending to be engrossed in "real" work (like I'm doing at this very moment) but because I would get so much more done. Whenever I actually have work to do, I am constantly interrupted. Some student needs help with the copier, some professor wants to chat, the phone constantly rings, etc.. Also, my pens/highlighters/post-its would not disappear as quickly if they weren't out in the open ready for the taking. I could also actually put up photos, paintings, anything really to make my office feel less like a foreign place and more like my place. I want to carve out my niche at work. I wouldn't mind sharing a cubicle with someone but this totally open layout is very exposing.
I am trying to be as positive as possible about work. I am learning a great deal about the accounting end of the arts, which will come in very handy if I own my own theatre in the future. I work with great people. I have a job that pays decently well in an economy that is showing signs of insecurity. I have a new car because of said job. I have benefits. I get to see a lot of free theatre and music. I have this experience on my resume so when I do move on I will have a better chance at finding a better job.
I feel as if I'm floating through life right now. Not really headed in a direction but not at a full stop either. I auditioned for a show last night and I haven't received a callback. I have another on Saturday but that's a much more difficult show to get into. I haven't been on stage in over a year. It's killing me. I know I'll be back on it soon but the time getting there is torture. Granted, I wanted this break. I wanted to see if I missed it. Well, I do. A lot.
I need a sporatic trip to somewhere. When can I make that happen? Hmmm...
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I can't do anything right.
I can't even contract the flu from a school that has made national headlines due to the percentage of infecties. I contract a "virus with flu-like symptoms." Essentially, I have the flu but I don't have the leverage to take the time I need to really recover. Not to mention, I ain't got the sick leave built up in order to recover.
I miss my life. I know this has become a reoccuring theme in my blog but I really miss that thing called life. I had some friends from college in town for this theatre festival we hosted and it was so good to see them. I had this girl, Liz, whom I've never met approach me and tell me that I am a legend at the college. Apparently, people talk about how cool I am, etc. I felt like a big dissappointment. I'm not doing what I want to do. I have no social life. I'm not acting. I punch numbers. At the same time, I briefly felt like the person I once was; The mother hen, the mentor, the one who works her ass off. I was a damn awesome person in college and I know that I still have her within me. I just hope my growing up doesn't suffocate her.
I feel like doo doo.
I miss my life. I know this has become a reoccuring theme in my blog but I really miss that thing called life. I had some friends from college in town for this theatre festival we hosted and it was so good to see them. I had this girl, Liz, whom I've never met approach me and tell me that I am a legend at the college. Apparently, people talk about how cool I am, etc. I felt like a big dissappointment. I'm not doing what I want to do. I have no social life. I'm not acting. I punch numbers. At the same time, I briefly felt like the person I once was; The mother hen, the mentor, the one who works her ass off. I was a damn awesome person in college and I know that I still have her within me. I just hope my growing up doesn't suffocate her.
I feel like doo doo.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Upedy Datey.
Well, where to begin? I left for NYC the 25th and auditioned for three schools. I was only slated to audition for two but it turned out the man who got me into theatre was auditioning for his program at UH. It made the trip to see the look on his face when he saw me (after 7 years) standing outside of the audition room. My auditions with him and NTC went very, very well. My audition with UW, not so much. This was my third attempt at UW's MFA program and I let it get to me. I thought it was the school I wanted to go to the most but after realizing just how pompous and, well, asshole-y the auditors were I lost my ambition to get into that program. I just wrote them the coldest thank you note I've ever written with my life.
Aside from the auditions, I had an absolute, much needed ball with old friends. I saw people I haven't seen in years and reconnected with old college friends. I also went on a date. The first real, honest-to-God date I've ever been on. I've been on "dates" but they're usually for a drink or coffee with someone whom I've known for some time. I've never been on a date with someone I've just met. I've been asked but I've declined. I met him in a bar, figures. He is a friend of my wife's (long story). He is articulate, funny, kind, intelligent and he looks like Barack Obama at 25. Ha! He took me out to a fancy lunch right after I sobbed my eyes out in my audition for UH (side-bar, the audition didn't make me cry, it was the piece I was doing). Poor kid.
I was so close to quitting my job and moving to Brooklyn to be with my friends again. I hate Manhattan but I could be happy as a clam in Brooklyn. I had a life for a week and it was wonderful.
Aside from the auditions, I had an absolute, much needed ball with old friends. I saw people I haven't seen in years and reconnected with old college friends. I also went on a date. The first real, honest-to-God date I've ever been on. I've been on "dates" but they're usually for a drink or coffee with someone whom I've known for some time. I've never been on a date with someone I've just met. I've been asked but I've declined. I met him in a bar, figures. He is a friend of my wife's (long story). He is articulate, funny, kind, intelligent and he looks like Barack Obama at 25. Ha! He took me out to a fancy lunch right after I sobbed my eyes out in my audition for UH (side-bar, the audition didn't make me cry, it was the piece I was doing). Poor kid.
I was so close to quitting my job and moving to Brooklyn to be with my friends again. I hate Manhattan but I could be happy as a clam in Brooklyn. I had a life for a week and it was wonderful.
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